Quote: WTF? His C said for him to keep seeing OW...did I read that right?
His C told him he needed to see her, or rather that he needed to fulfill his need to see her...H feels he needs to see her to realize if 1) His feelings for her are real, 2) she is toointense for him and he doesn't need that in his life right now, 3) He no longer feels that way for her. (This is his explanation, C told him he needs to get it out of his system.
Quote: It seems like you are REALLY playing the victim role. You keep posting all this stuff about standing up for yourself, as if you never did before, and putting YOUR needs first, as if you ALWAYS subjugated your needs for those of other people's. I think that's BS on both counts.
You may be right, GH. I have often been accused of playing the martyr (by H), and he still says that. I, by no means, am trying to imply that it is HARDER to kick H out, or that by trying to follow DB, I've been taking the easier way out. I know, and told H, that taking the easy way out is to say F*** You and move on. It is much harder to face the mistakes and pain of the past, heal from them and try to move forward, together. I know this. It would have been easier for me to NOT move to be with H, but I did, that's what I wanted.
Quote: Fear and misunderstand of yourself can lead you to make NO decision, go into denial about the A and DO NOTHING. If you "tolerate" the A in this fashion, then yes, it is weak. Emotion and the kindly advice of good hearted friends/family can lead you to confront H, giving him an ultimatum. If you do THIS, it's weakness too because you still truly made no decision, you only reacted to H or what other's said.
I feel like I have done both of these thiings. I ignore the A, pretend all is good, then get pissed off, talk to my mom or a friend, then turn around and give H an ultimatum. Exactly that. This is what needs to stop. This is why I feel like I have not truly taken the DB principles, which I believe in, and still believe can help me be successful in getting through this, regardless of the outcome.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post to me. It is helpful, if only because, yeah, friends and family (mine and his) tell me I should kick him out and let him figure it out on his own. I'm all for him figuring himself out, that has to happen, but kicking him out when there is still so much uncertainity is not fair to anyone, especially the kids. And, he doesn't want to go, not yet anyway.
Last night we talked, it got ugly, I always turn into "we can do this" no matter how firm I beforehand about NOT PURSUING. He has so much anger at me, for all of the years he feels like I didn't show him love. He feels that I placated him when necessary, kept him in his place so the boat didn't rock, and by refusing to deal with why I had no interest in sex, and did not give him the romance and affection he craved, I showed him that I didn't really love him, and I never really communicated to him what made me unhappy. Now, part of me feels he is overdramatizing, and is negating the great things about our old R, but he is also right. I feel like crap for it. I've often wondered if maybe we didn't really love each other, but were afraid to find anything different, and more needed each other. It is hard to show him anything different NOW, because he doesn't want that from me, and doesn't feel that for me, and so we fall in to the same old patterns, of pretending to get through each day, and keep the waters calm.
Anyway, so this morning,I told H that I know I kept him unhappy for a long time, and that I didn't want to stand in his way anymore. I have been trying to control him for years, and that wasn't fair. Told him to do what he needed to do, that I wouldn't kick him out, as this is his house too, his kids live here, and I didn't want to be responsible for his unhappiness anymore. And left it at that. He started crying and said that he has to see her, it's driving him crazy. And thanked me like ten times.
I am going ot buy a new copy of DR today, re-read it and start over. When I think of my life a year from now, or farther, when I think of the kind of man I want to be with, I think of my H. Regardless of what he did to contribute to our problems, I can see that he really really tried, for years, to fix things the best way he knew how.
Have read the going dark and persuing threads, and I don't think that going dark is necessarily the best thing for me right now. Also, as far as the persuing, I am a bit confused because I never persued in our relationship, and I know that H doesn't want that from me now, but I am afraid that if I stop all persuing behaviors, he'll see that as more of the same. I do know I need to back off and give him space, and that regardless of how meeting with OW goes, she will continue to pressure him, so I need to just think on this and figure out what works.
