I purposely did not go back and read anything posted before yesterday, including anything I may have said to you before (I usually do that so I can be consistent). I just wanted to post what I am getting from your more recent posts no matter what I thought before (maybe the same, who knows).
It seems like you are REALLY playing the victim role. You keep posting all this stuff about standing up for yourself, as if you never did before, and putting YOUR needs first, as if you ALWAYS subjugated your needs for those of other people's. I think that's BS on both counts.
You FEEL that way because of what is going on. You ARE putting your needs first by starting to take control over your own life. Making the decision to read DB and post here took strength. Making the DECISION not to just react out of emotion and "what you're supposed to do" when your H is having an affair IS STRENGTH! It is weak to just give in to the emotion and do what feels right in the moment, even if that moment lasts months.
I get what you are saying about thinking he wants you to stand up for yourself. I felt the same way, as have MANY other people here, and for a percentage of them, it's true. For me, and the rest of those, not in the percentage, that WAS NOT TRUE. It was what I THOUGHT I needed to do to maintain self respect, but in the end, I realized that what I did about the affair, or did not do had NOTHING to do with my self respect because the affair had NOTHING to do with me. That sucked to realize, but it was true. I had to stop thinking that my W was "doing something to me" and realize that I was LETTING her stupid, selfish actions affect me. Hell, even thinking that she was being stupid and selfish was taking things too personally. She was simply DOING what I needed to be doing in a way. She was trying to make herself happy but was misguided in how to do that because she, like I, was placing the responsibility for her happiness on someone else, OM.
In the end (and no, I am not really at the "end yet) my W has opened up to me, as have countless other WAS when things get somewhat better, and said that IF I had chosen to go the other route, the "standing up for myself route" that really would just have been me being weak and letting my emotions control my life, she would surely have walked for good. OM was telling her all along that I would do that and he had her prepared for "more controlling" behavior from me, to which her response would have been to flee into the open, loving arms of the non-controlling OM. Turns out that by me really adopting the DB/DR principals and doing my best to give her the space, time and lack of attention from me to the affair, the OM was forced into the role that he said I WAS GOING to play in all this, the controlling, obsessive a-hole. He couldn't deal with the fact that W was still "working on things" with me and that I had not turned out to be the controlling bastard that SHE AND HE expected.
Long story short, you MAY VERY WELL need to "stand up for yourself" as some people in these sitches do but you need to stop thinking of that option as the "strong" one and the other, more DB like option of self-growth and giving time/space to your H, as the "weak" one. They are opposite sides of the same coin, and either can be approached from a position of strength OR weakness, it's all in how YOU think of it.
Fear and misunderstand of yourself can lead you to make NO decision, go into denial about the A and DO NOTHING. If you "tolerate" the A in this fashion, then yes, it is weak. Emotion and the kindly advice of good hearted friends/family can lead you to confront H, giving him an ultimatum. If you do THIS, it's weakness too because you still truly made no decision, you only reacted to H or what other's said.
I know you will find the strength to do the right thing. Just make sure that whatever you do, you DECIDE to do it, and that it's not decided for you.
GH
P.S. WTF? His C said for him to keep seeing OW...did I read that right?
