When I was thinking about all of this last night, I think I finally realized a couple of things. One, which I mentioned, is that I need a soul-searching experience. I need to become my own person. I'm a smart girl, I read the principles of DB, and apply them as I can, but I don't live them, therefore I have not really experienced the level of personal growth that some people on these boards have. I think that I need to KNOW that I am an honest, capable person outside of any relationships. The second thing, is that my H knows that I am continuing to put others needs before mine, particularly his, and that my turning the cheek to his affair is letting him walk all over me. I think that he needs to see me stand up for myself and say enough. (I may have posted all this earlier, sorry if so, I am on fast-forward and rewind today). I want to prove to myself, and him, I'll admit, that I can be strong and independent. My friends and family tell me that I have been so strong through this, but really, I feel like I have been weak, because I continually sacrifice my self-respect in order to keep my H in the house, to try and maintain some staus-quo, which is what I have always done. Appease the current drama, and pretend everything is ok. I do still want my husband, I do still want the dream and fantasy of having some great loving marriage, but he is not capable of that right now. The saddest part, is that he will truly have to bottom out, and lose me, before he realizes what he's missing out on. I can't even explain how I know this, just that I do. He knows it too...
Despite all this, I would like nothing more than to "convince" him that he's blowing it, to have some big drama conversation tonite where I tell him what I said above, but always the pleading works it's way in.
And, the other problem at hand, is how do I deal with him going to see her this weekend, if he does? i cna't throw him out, I don't want to leave, because I think he needs to deal with coming home to face me and the kids after his rendezvous, (not too mention I don't want him to bring her here), I want to tell him his bed is the couch, but I don't. I'm indecisive and nervous. Any advice on how to handle this element in particular?
