The past week has been really uncomfortable and hard. There has been so much distance...Last night I THINK I realized that I need to take my own path now. I say think, because I love my husband, I do not want seperate lives. I really had faith and hope in the future, that we could get through this, and I still do, but I don't think that either of us will grow into the people we need to be while we are together. He is still too hung up on OW. The weeks where things were going good between us, he was in constant contact with her, when he told me he was ending it with her, he was freaking out jealous that she had moved on. It doesn't even matter, because I know that I am competing with a fantasy of what he thinks life would be like if we were apart.
I had this whole rational approach planned out, and this morning I just was overwhelmed with hurt and sadness, I lashed out and told him that I new we were done. I wanted him to tell me he was still confused, to bear with him and please be patient, but instead he agreed. So I agreed with everything he said. That the only reason we got back together was because so much in our lives were messed up, we needed each other. That neither of us will be happy unless we break out on our own. That the love is dead. I just said you were right, while my guts were wrenched.
He is goingot see her this weekend, says he has to. Or rather,she'll come here because he has no money and can't drive his car. I've been telling him that if he sees her, to not come home, to have another place to stay, but he has nowhere to go, we don't know anybody here. So, I have a boundary that he plans to cross and I can't really stick to it.
He said that he needs to see here to see how it makes him feel, if he still wants her. Doubtful that one meeting will make him realize she is not the answer to his problems.
Part of me feels like I should not give up, that I deserve to deal with this, because of all the years he felt unloved by me. But, I think that I am not respecting myself if I stand by while he does his own thing. I have not ever, truly, accepted the principles of DB, as in chaging my life FOR ME. Everything I've done has been around/for him, and that needs to stop.
I feel sick, and sad. I still know in my heart that our love is alive, it is just buried under a lot of anger and resentment. Did I read that on here somewhere? Anyway, I need to know that I can stand on my own outside of H, and I think he needs to see that, needs to see that I am not some wishy-washy girl that will just take what's dealt, and not stand up for herself.
