Interesting side note I forgot to mention during my pity party, last nite H offered to help me cook dinner (he has never done this, I've told him I would like it if we would cook together...although when he finally came in to help it was pretty much done) and he offered to help clean up, another first, and he actually did it! Guilt? Trying? Either way, it was a nice, honest effort.
Leslie, I am going to "detach" from your "pity party" and choose to focus on this good thing instead.
Quote: Interesting side note I forgot to mention during my pity party, last nite H offered to help me cook dinner (he has never done this, I've told him I would like it if we would cook together...although when he finally came in to help it was pretty much done) and he offered to help clean up, another first, and he actually did it! Guilt? Trying? Either way, it was a nice, honest effort.
Who freaking cares why he did it. Sure, it may have been guilt or "trying" but things he does for ANY reason, if reinforced by your appreciation can become things he does for the right reasons. So sit back while he cooks & cleans and just let him know you appreciate it. You just appreciate it and enjoy, no strings attached.
Oh, I don't really care why, hence the either way, believe me, I enjoy it and completely appreciate it.
Last nite I went to the gym, and decided to stay longer than usual for a class, anyway when I got home 2 1/2 hours later, Dinner had been made, kids had ate, dishes done, trash out...holy moley! H said he realized he hadn't washed the dishes or taken out the trash since we moved (March). I was amazed.
Incidently, I did get Love Languages from the library, and it was interesting, a year ago I would have guessed I was Acts of Service, if only because I always wanted more help with the house and kids, etc. Anyway, I am Quality Time and Physical Touch. I haven't felt like guessing what H's answers would be, or asking him to take the test, but I will soon enough...
GH, I like your "who freakin cares why," that is kinda what I've been thinking about this whole thing. "Why" H does anything is really not my concern, he is a confused, sad guy right now. I know too many "why's" for now, I just want to figure out my own "What's." Been spending lots of time at the beach after the kids are out of school, and the gym, and trying to figure out how I want to spend my last week or so of unemployment. There's a lot to explore in this new territory, and now that the sun is out and the rains are gone, it's time to get out there!
The past week has been really uncomfortable and hard. There has been so much distance...Last night I THINK I realized that I need to take my own path now. I say think, because I love my husband, I do not want seperate lives. I really had faith and hope in the future, that we could get through this, and I still do, but I don't think that either of us will grow into the people we need to be while we are together. He is still too hung up on OW. The weeks where things were going good between us, he was in constant contact with her, when he told me he was ending it with her, he was freaking out jealous that she had moved on. It doesn't even matter, because I know that I am competing with a fantasy of what he thinks life would be like if we were apart.
I had this whole rational approach planned out, and this morning I just was overwhelmed with hurt and sadness, I lashed out and told him that I new we were done. I wanted him to tell me he was still confused, to bear with him and please be patient, but instead he agreed. So I agreed with everything he said. That the only reason we got back together was because so much in our lives were messed up, we needed each other. That neither of us will be happy unless we break out on our own. That the love is dead. I just said you were right, while my guts were wrenched.
He is goingot see her this weekend, says he has to. Or rather,she'll come here because he has no money and can't drive his car. I've been telling him that if he sees her, to not come home, to have another place to stay, but he has nowhere to go, we don't know anybody here. So, I have a boundary that he plans to cross and I can't really stick to it.
He said that he needs to see here to see how it makes him feel, if he still wants her. Doubtful that one meeting will make him realize she is not the answer to his problems.
Part of me feels like I should not give up, that I deserve to deal with this, because of all the years he felt unloved by me. But, I think that I am not respecting myself if I stand by while he does his own thing. I have not ever, truly, accepted the principles of DB, as in chaging my life FOR ME. Everything I've done has been around/for him, and that needs to stop.
I feel sick, and sad. I still know in my heart that our love is alive, it is just buried under a lot of anger and resentment. Did I read that on here somewhere? Anyway, I need to know that I can stand on my own outside of H, and I think he needs to see that, needs to see that I am not some wishy-washy girl that will just take what's dealt, and not stand up for herself.
Leslie, I'm so sorry to read about your tough week. If you feel that you're at the end of your rope, you may need some more distance between you and your H.
I think you should think about "going dark" for a while, meaning that you avoid all or almost all contact with your H. I have done it and found it to be very helpful to myself in helping me focus on GAL and recovering my emotional state so that I can DB again (although "going dark" IS DB -- Michele calls it the "after the last resort" technique in DR.
Did you get the job? If so, will that allow you the financial option of moving out?
Good reasons to go dark include: 1. Being stressed out by interactions with your H 2. Escaping the worry of "what am I going to say to him, and what's he going to say to me" 3. Allowing you to focus on yourself and GAL 4. Giving you space to plan to DB 5. Protecting yourself from knowing more about what he is doing with OW, so you have less to resent 6. Stopping you from doing more damage by getting angry or pursuing 7. You've been DB'ing for a while and are looking for a new 180 to get his attention. 8. You're thinking about filing for divorce
Here's a great thread on "Going Dark 101" started by our moderator and commented on by Michele.
Needless to say, the downside of going dark is that your H may further attach himself to OW during that time. Good luck with whatever you decide.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RBinBR, thank you for the comment and the link. I have actually been thinking about going dark, as much as I can seeing as how we live together. I did that in the beginning of April, it lasted one week before he was clamoring for me. I think more it is that I need to stand up for myself as a new 180. He knows that my ignoring OW is 100% opposite of what I feel, but I am doing it anyway. I think that, for me, the kids, and my marriage, I need to let go. It is impossible for me to detach from him right now.
Haven't heard about the job, she is supposed to send me an offer next week, but it is pretty much a sure deal. I can live on my own, but neither H or I has the money to move, I really don't want to move out of my house anyway. My kids have friends in the neighborhood and I really like it here. No matter what, I knwo that we will be living together at least through June, unless H finds someone to loan him money to move out.
I know that this is what needs to happen, in my heart I know. I can't GAL and find what I want in life as long as I am consumed by his drama. H is in crisis, whether it is MLC or not I don't know, his counselor sees it to, I think he needs to figure himself too, outside of me. That's the only way he'll see what he is missing.
The bothersome thing is that he says exactly what he said a month ago. The past nine months have been a cycle, him withdrawing, then coming back, the longest we've been "apart" is two weeks, then he's knocking at my door. And I always let him in. No good for any of us...
I completely understand your pain and totally sympathize with you. Nothing feels worse than working your tail off for so many months, only to find that you're really stuck in the same place. That being said, I honestly believe that it is time to try something different, as Michelle would say. Does that mean going totally "dark"? I don't know, living in the same househould with someone else really makes that difficult and honestly, I don't think it should be fully employed but only as a last, last resort.
Now, the pursuing/distancing thread that NM had linked for you is more likely the style you are seeking. Back off, give him space and monitor the results. It seems that everytime I do this, I tend to get somewhat positive reactions....the problem is, I tend to react myself much to quickly, thereby negating any positives :-(
In any event, don't give up hope just yet. I can sense from your posts that you honestly do love your H and would love nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him. Don't jump ship just yet.....try new tactics and monitor results.
All the best,
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
It is definately time to try something different. For me, for my sitch, for everything. I don't feel like I can do what I need to for me and my kids as long as he is waffling all over the place. I get so frustrated when I read back a month ago and see how I good I was feeling, how honest I felt my interactions were with my H. I still believe it was honest, I still feel like, even in that short period of time, the beginning stages of "falling in love again" were happening, he says he does too. So, to have a complete regression, I just can't understand him anymore, and I can't let him bring me down anymore.
I am the only person in his life he can truly talk to. It's me that would stay up all night and listen after his counseling appts. I am the only one who knows all the messed up crap he's pulled over the years, i am the only one that has always stood by him, and tried to smooth it over. Now, I am the one he is disrespecting and treating like crap. While part of me thinks that pulling away, and rebuilding my life on my terms is what I need to do for me, I also think that is the only way he will realize what he is pissing away. I have been competing with the fantasy world of a 35 year old man who acts like he is 18, and wants what an 18 year old wants. I don't want that anymore.
His counselor is encouraging him to go see OW, that he needs to get all of his 18 year old fantasies out of his system. But at what cost?
I really appreciate the links, have perused a bit of the pursuing/distancing thread, but I think that the idea of combining those techniques with going dark will be the best way for me. Regardless, I know he'll be knocking at my door again, I know that should I actually appear to be moving on, he'll freak out.
On another self-destructive note, it is all I can do right now to not contact OW. I know it will do me no good, but I also want her to know that regardless of my H's lies, she is playing a role in the breakdown of my family, we have been living together, sleeping together, having a relationship, and that he has been lying to her. But, obviously she is a needy little b**** and it would do me no good. I know that. Maybe I'll type an email just to get it off my chest.
Again, I'm really sorry for your pain at this point. Yes, it is completely frustrating and I know for my part I go through the exact same thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, do what you think is best for your sitch, altough I guess if I were you, I wouldn't contact the OW....I like the idea of typing the e-mail, but I wouldn't hit send. Doesn't really help anything.
Back off, give him space to miss you. I know it seems like pure hell, but waffling is a lot better than finality, if you know what I mean. Confusion will only work to your advantage in the long run because it shows that the feelings he does have for you, while not as prevalaent, are still there. This is very powerful.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
