Took the little one to this cool park by the harbor, and while he ran around and loved every dog that passed, I thought a lot about why I was so upset this weekend, and what is going on with ME. I can sense H is still really hurt and angry at my role in the breakdown of our marriage, and i've been feeling guilty about it, and sad. I have no excuse, really, I mean he contributed as well, but I can say that his issues with me were there from very early on, my excuses for my behavior don't start until a few years later. Of course, looking back, I can see that I was unhappy and depressed, I never actually intended to latch on to someone right after high school, immediately live together, have kids...I had little girl in the big city plans, until I fell in love with him, and then...life.
Anyway, I know that I am the only one responsible for my happiness, same for him. I have no interest in convincing him that I love him, or why he should continue fighting this fight WITH me, I expected backsliding on both our parts. Today, I told H everything above, and that a huge part of my withdrawal this weekend was that I feel horribly guilty for not showing him the love he deserved, that I repeatedly nodded my head, yeah babe I hear you, and then did nothing. Sometimes I read the Sex Starved Marriage Board, and it breaks my heart, because my H was the people on that board. He would tell me all of the things the posters over there want and do say to there wives...in fact, today someone posted about stopping in the middle of ML because it was so obvious their spouse wasn't into it, yeah my H did that to me once. It was always the same, I thought I would change, or didn't know what to do, or really, I didn't think he'd ever leave, that it wasn't REALLY a problem (I'm a Pisces, can you tell?)...
So, anyway, told H that I can never make that up to him, those years he feels he lost, I understand. That only time, whether together or apart, will show him the changes I've made in my life are REAL. And, I told him, again, that I just wanted us both to be happpy, that he is charge of his life and decisions, and I know that he is just trying to follow his heart. He said he feels like he did back in March (when I started this thread), and that he thinks he needs to get out of here for the weekend, but he doesn't want to deal with the scrutiny of it. I can totally understand, but now that OW lives so close, I would have a really hard time with it, he lied about her already moving near us, had told me last week that she MAY move, but hasn't yet. I have made it pretty clear to him since I moved up here that if he went to see her, that was crossing my boundary, that was essentially making a decision, I think this is why he has not yet met her. Now, he's telling me "maybe just for dinner" and "I need to, to see if my feelings for her are real" and "if I'm still thinking of her even though I haven't seen her for six months, that means something." (Disregarding he has been in daily contact, she is under the impression he is her boyfriend, so all the lovey flirty new romance stuff is still going on). Also, he told me that he can't shake the feeling that, even though the changes I've been making are what he always wanted, it is too late, and he doesn't know if he wants it anymore. I could believe this as a possibility.
And, like I've posted, I know what I need to do, for me. I know all the principles and ideals, I just need to live them, breathe them, and truly just give it away, I think that at this point, I can continue DB'ing, because for the time being I feel like this is just a step backwards, but I need to keep it in the now, and realize that he could be gone at any time. What do I want in my life then? That needs to be my focus.
