And so it seems, what appeared to be a break-up with the OW has spun back into my H being "confused."
Today he came to me and admitted that contact with OW has increased a bunch this week, and that he is still really confused, and is not in any position to make any decisions, except that he is not ready to cut her out of his life. Long ugly discussion today, where he basically said he would like us to continue to stay in the space we've been in, doing things together and talking (not R talk, basically pretending we are an average married couple, but at the same time, he is no longer backpedaling from HER.

I am in a true moral dilemma here. I know what triggered this regression, the news of a formerly close friend nearly dying of cancer, has reminded my H that life is too short to spend unhappy...spiraling into all the years he spent unhappy with me...spiraling into OW made him so happy...and finally to "let's still pretend things are hunky dory, please excuse me while I call OW and tell her I love her." Also, she has moved, and now lives an hour away. The dilemma is, I still feel we can work this out, it is really only the beginning of this process, yet I also feel that I am being a bit used, and that he has too many comforts with me. I really don't want to give up, or throw any ultimatums. I really want to continue to have faith and hope, not throw in the towel. I really need to figure out who I am, what my life is about, because I do not know, and am afraid I won't find out with H around, yes, he said this to me, but it makes sense.

For now, neither of us can do anything. He can't even go see her, so that is a good thing for me. Another good thing, I know she is very frustrated that he has not come to see her, so I think I need to go back to about page two of my thread, re-read, memorize and DO all of the wonderful things and FOLLOW all of the wonderful advice I've gotten since I started posting, because we are back to that point again.

I so want to tell him to fcuk off, and then be able to stick to it (that is the challenge, eh?). I really wish that I didn't care so much, or wasn't so afraid, or wasn't such a dreamer, or whatever it is that keeps me hanging around.