GH, Thank you for your breakdown of my rant. Sometimes it really is hard to not let the fear be the motivator, in fact I have actually worried that fear was my motivation, as I am sure we've all had. Or, what I am trying to say, is that I have asked myself if I would be better off without him, but the answer is that I don't want to find out.
I want to try and back off, in the sense of just letting things be, that is the detachment I'm talking about. I have spent too much time wondering who he is lying to, me or her, and I need to just accept that it doesn't really matter right now, two months ago I was sharing space with him knowing he was full-on back on with her, and I was letting go of that. My problem is that I turn good feelings between us into stronger desires and then expectations. I want reassurance that I am not going to get...
Last nite H came home from C wanting to talk...it got really heavy, becasue he pointed out that he has been unhappy in our R since the beginning, and really, it is true. He started coming to me six months into our R, telling me he needed more attention and love from me, and I honestly remember not understanding, not knowing how to go about giving it to him. I understand a lot better now, but when you realize your R has basically been jacked since the beginning, what do you do with that? And the conversation turned that way, I started crying, I couldn't help it, and we went to bed upset. I realized what he is dealing with in trying to recover and rebuild, and I told him that, but it is sad. He also went on to say that he KNOWS I have doubts and fears as well, and that I may not have dealt with anger and resentment regarding his affair. I tried to explain my feelings regarding that, and he shut me down, saying don't explain. (From DB principles, he was right,I know, but I didn't want him projecting his interpretation of what he THINKS I feel onto me). Anyway, he is right to a degree, but I think a lot of my uncertainty comes from mistrust of him and the fact that OW is not gone yet.
I want to try and get back to where I was a month ago, personally, and I want to try and give him the space to heal from his own pains and the A. We already decided to try and not go there today, and just hang out after work, go for bike rides and coffees.
Further, the reality is that I am not yet happy with myself. I have been unhappy for a long time, too, both within my marriage and within myself, and needs to become the priority, obviously. I know I have made lot of changes and had a lot of growth, but I am nowhere near done yet. And, that, most likely, will be how the spark and "something totally new" will come in.
But, I did have an interesting job interview yesterday, and I think I got it...so any developments on that front will be great. And, I've been waiting for the "Five Love Languages" to come in the library, it finally did, that book sounds really interesting, frankly I have no idea what my own love language is, so I can get that and take the kiddos to the beach and be distracted today
