Gonna do a bit of journaling, rambling, to try and figure my position. I am sitting by while my H goes through a break-up. His phone goes off constantly, he ignores it but then disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes, and unfortunately, the way our house is laid out, I can be in the other room and hear his little text beeps. It is constant. I am scared. Scared because he has done this before, broke it off with her, and went about two weeks before he freaked on me. Scared because he tells me the exact same things he's said every time he has "come home." Scared because she doesn't know the truth about me, so it is easier for her to fight for him, when she thinks he is dumping her because of a misunderstanding. (I'm gonna vent a little here, what a dummy! Wouldn't you be suspicious if your "boyfriend" only spoke on the phone with you during work hours, never went to see you for months, never returned late nite phone calls or texts, didn't talk to you on weekends...)
Also, H did tell me tonite that he is upset about a lot of things, and that he has residual sadness to deal with regarding OW, all that stuff you read about the "withdrawal." It is noticeable.
But more importantly, he said he realizes that finding that unconditional love he had for me is going to be harder than he thought. That he's realized he fell out of love for me YEARS before OW (I agree, it is the same for me regarding him), and thinks that something new and completely different will need to happen to bring it back. That he has a hard time getting over his lack of physical attraction to me, and that shocks him because he knows I am attractive, sees other guys looking at me, sees that I am looking damn good (his words) but most of the time he just doesn't feel that "can't keep my hands off of you" feeling that he used to have, and that he had with OW. He feels that my turn around regarding sex is fake and unreal, that it would be like if I suddenly came to him and said I was secretly a gymnast, it is just not likely. I even agree it is a little hard to swallow, but it is genuine, it took a lot of counseling combined with medical analysis to get there, plus, I was depressed and really unhappy with him and his not meeting my unspoken expectations. (I've told him this, too).
So, in a way, I feel like he still has one foot out the door. He did tell me that he loves me and wants to make this work, wants to TRY to find that passion and excitement again, and knows it will take a long time and a lot of work on both of our parts to even see IF we can get there, but he doesn't feel like he is really in any position to do anything about "us" because the rest of his life is such a mess. I guess this is where I step back, and lovingly re-detach and GAL, right?
Further, I am upset a bit because he is just sitting there, letting his life stay messy. He won't open his mail, his driver's license is about to be suspended because he has unpaid speeding tickets, hasn't made a car payment since November, I can't even believe it hasn't been repossessed. he doesn't take any responsibility for household stuff, or with the kids. Meanwhile,I don't want to say anything about it, because: 1)in the past I always handled everything for him, 2) I don't want to nag, 3)I feel guilty because I am unemployed and feel like I should just handle all the house stuff. I'm not necessarily mad about these things, more it jsut seems indicative of the larger unhappiness he is feeling.
So where am I? Pretending to happily buzz around the house doing this or that, trying to maintain this flirty, fun, happy demeanor? Because MAYBE my H will find those feelings again? Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes, I feel I am transparent.
The thing is too, that despite my venting about him above, I do love him. He makes me laugh, we have fun together, he's incredibly attractive. The kids adore him, he makes ME remember how to have fun and chill when I get stressed out. He's my best friend, & generally outside of the marriage problems, I can talk to him about anything. He encourages me to think about myself, to chase my dreams. I do not want to start all over with someone else. I do not want my kids to grow up in a broken home.
He is at his C appointment now, and will be gone for at least another hour. Tonite, I think I need to spend some time writing out some goals, and remember what works. REALLY bummed my copy of DR was stolen. We have had many many special moments in the past six weeks, and I don't want to blow it.
