Thank you, thank you, you are right. I saw the same things in the email, but I am still upset. He has not been honest, and is still not, I don't know what I want to do about it, even though I KNOW that your advice is the best, most DB way to handle it...
So, I am trying not to freak out, because, yes it appears that he has cut it off with her, so why am I so upset? Is it witnessing someone profess love for my H? Yes. Is it the fact that there is no mention of me in the email, but rather it sounds as if he told her that he can't see her anymore because she has too much going on? Yes. Is it because he got jealous of her potentially seeing other people? Yes. Has he even told her that he is with me? it doesn't sound like it, and I am really pissed, I feel like I have given EVERYTHING to fix this marriage, and he is still not honest with me. I want to call the little bitch and compare what he said to each of us (don't worry, I won't). I really don't think I can ignore it, somehow I have to bring it up with H. Even last nite, he looked over at me and told me that I was the one he wanted, and he is so glad we are rebuilding, but yet he is obviously torn up over her still. AAARRRGGHHH!
Alright. Calming down a bit. Talked to my mum, LOVE HER, nice to vent with someone who knows almost everything, thinks my H screwed up royal, but basically said what believing_isiah said, and, after re-reading the email 50 dozen times, it is pretty obvious he broke it off/is trying to break it off with her, does it really matter how he does it? No, what I want him to say is really for my own ego, and to hurt her like I have been. He had told me last week how all he gets from her is pressure, and the email is more of that.
Somehow I will need to compose myself, major acting as if, by 5:00...I just am really scared that he is continuing to lie to me. And, as my mom pointed out, I am kinda stuck right now in that I haven't found a job yet, and there is NO WAY I could survive without him living here, our rent is incredibly high, moving right now is not an option financially, not even on the radar. I think this just feeds my own doubts, lately I have been wondering, what if this is not what I want either? What if my H doesn't change his behaviors that contributed to our breakdown? He admits that I have obviously changed, our friends and family have noticed that i have changed, and it doesn't appear that he really has. Venting ramblinng.
The other night he told me that he had a lot of things that he needed to admit to me, but wasn't ready yet. I just kinda looked at him and said that leaves me hanging a bit, but if he didn't know how to say it, he should wait until he does. At the time I thought maybe it was feelings he needed to explore, now I am wondering if it is actions. he took a weekend trip last month and for one night he was not where he said he was, and she could have easily met him, although he is adamant that he has not seen her since January. I just wonder if it even matters, does anything even matter prior to this moment. In fact, that has been both of our mantras lately, to live in the here and now, not worry about the past or future, a hard but helpful thing to do. PLease, if anyone has any comments, spill it, just hearing anything is helpful...
Since I've already shot the no-snoop rule, I caught the response he sent and hers back... Rather than posting their email exchange, it appears that my H, contrary to what he had told me, had NEVER told OW that he and I were working on things, not any of the three times he's returned to me, and is breaking it off with her because, according to his email to her, she "made out" with a guy in February. (Are we in High School?) All this time I have been thinking what a bitch, stay out of my life, and she has no idea that H and I have been living together, sleeping together, what am I supposed to do with this? He emailed her to stay away from him and never call or contact agin, so I guess that is good, but I am left questioning his motives, his desire, everything. PLEASE, what would you make of this, I am not thinking clearly right now...
Who am I married too? How can people be so duplicitous? Should I be happy he is ending it with her, if he really does? I mean, from the tone of his emails to her, he has never really had any intention of breaking it off, has he been faking it with me? All the "moments" we've had the past month or so, what the hell was that? I know I am breaking all the rules ruight now. I don't feel desperate or psycho or anything, I really feel, at the moment, like whatever. Go back to that place you were in April, darling, where you were enjoying the moments and knowing that H was a headcase and not reliable or honest. In fact, I seem to recall wise grasshopper warning me of more BS that could be on the way...The thing is, while on the one hand I should be glad to be witnessing the potential demise of the OW relationship, I am hurt that he still lies, to me, to her, to our friends, how do I know what is real? I don't.
You are freaking out. Pull your sh*t together. Snoop not ONE MORE MINUTE. (Have you not read my thread yet?)
HE BROKE IT OFF. SHE IS P*SSED. IT'S ALL GOOD. Doesn't matter WHAT she thinks, or what he's told her. His ACTIONS matter. She is unimportant.
My H broke off with OW b/c she is married and it was the "right thing to do", not that he was going to work on the marriage, so she figured he was breaking up with me AND her. WHO CARES what she thought/why he did it? (she now knows otherwise, but didn't for months)
ACTIONS. Your H's are good. STOP SNOOPING. NOW.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Like the last poster said.. no more snooping. You're only hurting yourself.. and possibly your relationship.
Just for the sake of arguement.. it's possible that he's not told her about you and your rebuilding of R just to keep things "separate" and possibly not drive a further nail in the coffin (so to speak) in his telling her to buzz off.
People do weird things sometimes.
Link to stuff from the spring.. before I gave up...or he moved. Either way.
Hi Leslie- I've been so happy for the way things are working out for you. You have lots of positives in your sitch.
Give H a break OK. It's hard to break up with someone. Even someone you don't love - because you are rejecting them, and it's not a good feeling to know that you are hurting someone's feelings.
I think our Hs can be so cruel to us because they take us so much for granted and have been so used to being open/honest with us that their misdemeanors become another thing that they are honest about and it ends up stabbing us in the heart.
On the other hand, a casual relationship has none of that openess and honesty so he's not close enough to her to be open with his intentions. "I'm working on my marriage - you don't come close to making my wife's grade." - isn't going to come out of his mouth to her.
I know this because I dated a guy recently for a few months and knew from the beginning that it wasn't going anywhere, but he was really into it and wanted to get married and stuff. It took me ages to work up the courage to break up with him and eventually we had a tiff about something meaningless and I used that as the excuse.
Even after all the skills I've learned here and the personal growth I've achieved, I didn't have the courage to say "I'm sorry, this isn't going anywhere, so I'd like to stop seeing you." Because I didn't have the energy to debate it/ discuss it. It was easier to blame it on something he said or did.
That is exactly what your husband has done in breaking up with ow. He found an excuse (something that was her fault) and used it to make his get away.
It's human nature.
He's ended/ending it with ow - you guys have a chance to rebuild your marriage if you want to take it.
The ball is squarely in your court.
Just do me a favour and stop snooping - you'll wear yourself out.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for the good arse kicking, especially you, believing_isiah, seriously. That is of course, why I ranted all freakin' afternoon, so y'all would come tell me to get a grip.
I know you are all correct, I know that things have been good,or there is a lot of good going on, and the how is not as important as the rest of it...
My doubts and H's history of dishonesty come into play, I am so afraid of being blindsided again. I need to seriously live in the now, and live in each moment, and let go of OW crap. I'll be working on it. Continuously.
H did ask me if something was wrong today, I just told him I was tired from sitting in the sun (with the laptop on here all afternoon, unemployment would be so much more fun if I was not worrying about crap). He said AGAIN, he is where he wants to be, and he hopes I know that. So, we'll see where we roll.
Thank you again for whipping me, I was looking for it
