Alright. Calming down a bit. Talked to my mum, LOVE HER, nice to vent with someone who knows almost everything, thinks my H screwed up royal, but basically said what believing_isiah said, and, after re-reading the email 50 dozen times, it is pretty obvious he broke it off/is trying to break it off with her, does it really matter how he does it? No, what I want him to say is really for my own ego, and to hurt her like I have been. He had told me last week how all he gets from her is pressure, and the email is more of that.
Somehow I will need to compose myself, major acting as if, by 5:00...I just am really scared that he is continuing to lie to me. And, as my mom pointed out, I am kinda stuck right now in that I haven't found a job yet, and there is NO WAY I could survive without him living here, our rent is incredibly high, moving right now is not an option financially, not even on the radar. I think this just feeds my own doubts, lately I have been wondering, what if this is not what I want either? What if my H doesn't change his behaviors that contributed to our breakdown? He admits that I have obviously changed, our friends and family have noticed that i have changed, and it doesn't appear that he really has. Venting ramblinng.
The other night he told me that he had a lot of things that he needed to admit to me, but wasn't ready yet. I just kinda looked at him and said that leaves me hanging a bit, but if he didn't know how to say it, he should wait until he does. At the time I thought maybe it was feelings he needed to explore, now I am wondering if it is actions. he took a weekend trip last month and for one night he was not where he said he was, and she could have easily met him, although he is adamant that he has not seen her since January. I just wonder if it even matters, does anything even matter prior to this moment. In fact, that has been both of our mantras lately, to live in the here and now, not worry about the past or future, a hard but helpful thing to do. PLease, if anyone has any comments, spill it, just hearing anything is helpful...
