Friday Journaling:
In my last post, I said things are going well, and they are, it is as I described it, even last nite H was sweet and funny and flirty, went to bed together, early, , it's nice to get that kind of attention from him, he really, genuinely could not act or function, in that way during his confusion episodes.

So why am I bummed today? Nothing particular has happened to send me into this mood. It started yesterday, actually. I feel like I need some kind of reality check, like we need to talk. I want to ask him where he stands with OW, what the nature of their relationship is TODAY. I haven't, because I am afraid I won't get the truth, as much as I am afraid I don't want to hear the truth. I still have real concern that he will take for granted my promise to not snoop, and use that as an opportunity to keep OW in his life. I want to know what steps he is taking to get rid of her.

And, sometimes I still wonder if this is what I want. I read a post earlier today, I can't remember who, but it was a guy who had an EA a few years ago, and now his wife suddenly wants a divorce. I thought that could end up being me, I could end up leaving, because I have a really hard time reconciling what I know about their relationship, the things they shared and the experiences he had with her, particularly the romantic/sexual experiences. I have spent a lot of time fighting for this marriage, and trying to not feel the pain, I am afraid if I start to let it out, it may be too much. Is it okay to tell our spouses we are scared, hurting, have doubts? When is the time to talk about our needs? It seems like we are in a space to do this now. Up until about a week ago, H and I had been having a lot of really in depth conversations about all kinds of things, and I wonder if my sadness comes from the fact that we haven't had any real conversations in the past week. There has been a lot of financial stress lately, so idealistic conversations have been on the back burner. Maybe I need to have a "feelings" conversation with him to keep that close, intimate space we've been in?

Wow, I'm really all over the place today. Think I am just stressed and sad,afraid to believe that things are how they seem, and knowing in my heart they are not completely as they seem, because their is still contact with OW. Need to think about all of this today. This evening H and I would have an opportunity to talk, so I think I need to focus on what I want to communcate to him, what my goal of the conversation would be...maybe just some reassurance, or a status check? Have a feelign I'll be hanging around here today...