So, I agonized all day yesterday about if and how I should bring up an R talk with H, really wanted the status of his feelings and what not. Decided to wait until kids go to bed and see how the air was...
H and I were having our usually after-work chat, when he asked if he could tell me something and too close the bedroom door...basically said that all the confusion he felt in March was gone, he knew what he wanted, and really felt that the past few weeks of just being together, with no pressure from me or questions, combined with counseling, has helped him to see that his fantasy about life with OW was nothing more than fantasy. That, at 25, she has a different agenda than him, different interests and goals and things to learn, and he has no interest in going through that with her. He has been feeling the love for and from me, and the kids, and his family and friends, and is ready to put this behind us and move forward. Also said that the time he spent with OW while we were seperated was extremely passionate, but that was all there was to the relationship, passion and attraction, and that only existed because he had been missing that for so long from me. (I confer with this).
Then he told me that two days ago he called OW and told her that their relationship was not going any further, it was not what he wanted. Apparently she has been repeatedly asking when they would get together, and trying to arrange meetings, and while at first, when I moved up here, he desperately wanted to see her, he longer WANTS to. He asked that things just continue on with how they are going, that I continue to give him space regarding OW, that there is still communication between them, and that he has been ignoring messages and texts, he knows he will need to call her again, and that by knowing that he CAN call her if he wants/needs to, it makes him not want to make that contact. (at this point I'll interject that I did look at cell phone records yesterday, and saw that she texts on average 8-10 times a day, while in the past few days he has responded only four or five times. This is a major drop off, on his part).
i told him that I was really happy that he came to me with this, and that I wanted things to continue at the same pace, and stil ultimately want him to be happy, so I would not pressure him to do anything. In our past attempts at reconciliation, I forced the no contact issue, rather than let it die on its own, and I will do my best to continue giving him his space and privacy. (yes, I know that means stay out of the cell phone records).
Now, I realize that I have heard most of this before, the difference this time is that he is trying to cut it off from her on his own, I did not ask for or demand it, that makes me feel good. Let OW put on the pressure, I mean to be honest, she doesn't sound like the independent free-spirit he claimed her to be, rather sounds needy and clingy and emotionally immature. While he has told me these things before, he has told her as well, I can justify trying to save this relationship because of history, kids, love, what is her justification? Also told me that OW is trying to move to San Francisco, an hour and a half away, which is disturbing, but he said it's not happening NOW, she is looking for work, and with how he's been feeling lately, her being closer won't have an effect.
So, I am not holding my breath, trying to continue in the same mind set that I've been in the past few weeks, and let things develop and rekindle on their own. H did say that for the first time, he truly feels that we are starting over, that new is being born within the old, and I completely agree. I don't feel foolish for feeling that things have been different this time around, I just need to keep focused and remain detached from his relationship with her, and see where this goes.
Feedback, comments, REMINDERS, Devil's advocates, would love your thoughts...
