Hey BeingMe, I was just on my way home thinking that I wanted post, and there you were checking in on me...thank you
This is probably gonna be a long one, I can tell already...
So, last week has been great, more of the same. I feel like the love he is showing is real, maybe it's because I am not looking for meaning in every little action, glance, or word. Example: in January, if H held my hand, I was completely conscious of it, of how I held his hand back, did it mean anything, blah blah blah, it's not like that anymore, thank god. I am not looking for grand meaning in every action.
We finally started actually decorating the house. Whenever we move, I always get the art on the walls first, I like to have everything in its place, but I haven't really done any of that. I was worried about hanging something only to take it down again if H moved out. I painted the living room, did some art projects, hung paintings and stuff, it looks good! H and I actually discussed how we'd been stalling, and I realized that having a presentable home makes me happy, it is someting I CAN control, so I am going to do it. Some order in the chaos.
We've spent a lot of time together, not really doing anything, just hanging out. We haven't spent so much time like that in years. Lots of talking, not really about "us" but he has discussed sending the kids to his mom's for a week, and that we should go on our own adventure, driving, either somewhere fun or maybe even going to some kind of spiritual, shaman-type retreat together, and how great that would be for us. He told me that, without "bringing up any ugly stuff" he has been really happy for the past couple weeks, outside of the OW sitch, and wants to resolve his issues so he can come to me and say "let's work on us and our marriage now."
On the surface, this is all great, what I have been waiting for, what I've been wanting so desperately since he first left. I feel a level of happiness and contentment too, and know that I am lucky, compared to others on the BB, to be where I am in this whole process. BUT, even though I don't think about OW nearly as often as I did even a month ago, it's still there. The texts they exchange are loving and romantic, she still sends him pictures of herself, not nasty ones so much, but still, she refers to him as her confidante and her lover. Hello! She hasn't seen him since January! Anyway, how can I even take what he says with any realism when there is this other thing going on in his life? I want to ask him about it, talk about the status of things with her, or even what his game plan is if he has one, we haven't talked about this stuff in a month. Part of me thinks if I continue to ignore it, he will start to believe it is ok to have a relationship with her since it is not "physical" and she will NEVER be gone completely.
So, I realize this is where it is: we are "working" on things, but I can not accept that anything is completely true until I know that she is out of his life, and he is ok with that, I want him to realize her purpose in his life has been filled, and he is over it. I am not going to push for it this time, I have before and it backfired, he needs to come to me and say "I resolved it, now it's our turn." I do not want him to think I am content with things as they are, or that I will continue to be so supportive, loving and responsive to him, I want him to know that I am still cautious. In the meantime, I need to keep the focus on doing my own thing and bettering myself, so it becomes a life-long part of who I am, not something I have to remember to do!
