Monday Journaling... Had a relatively nice few days with H and boys, we've had several events and things to go to both alone and as a family. H said last nite that he knows we probably need to talk but that regardless the past few days have been nice. I'm thinking nice because we haven't had any R talks, but there is still such an obvious lack of affection. Sometimes, just that we are talking and laughing like friends I want to feel that these are positive steps, rebuilding that part of our R. But then I start to think that I am so sick and tired of this crap between us, I am tired of pretending that there is not this HUGE thing to deal with.
Phone bill came out last week, and I discovered that he may have lied about his trip last weekend. It seemed pretty likely that he went and met OW, and I kept my mouth shut about it all weekend. But, of course today I had to look at it again and realized he wasn't where he said he was for the majority of the weekend, so what do I do? Yep, called him at work on his cell and told him I knew. He denied meeting OW, but said he is sick of me looking into his business and got all pissed off. Expected reaction, and deserved, but it's not like it isn't MY phone bill too. Anyway, he is mad mad mad, and I am really beginning to wonder if any of this is worth my time.
He said that he had talked to OW about going to see her, but has put the brakes on making plans because he's liked the space we've been in. Too me, that sounds like he is trying to make be feel like I blew it. I told him that even though we haven't been having serious discussions and have kind of been ignoring hte issues at hand, I didn't think anything had really changed as far as our situation, or his feelings. So he responded if I felt that way he'd be back on the couch tonite. Childish?
I know I should have just kept my mouth shut, and waited to approach a R talk from a more positive angle, and definately not while he was at work, I just had that overwhelming AARRGGHH feeling, and before I knew it I was dialing his number. For a week now I've been telling myself, ignore the A, it's a symptom not the problem, blah blah blah. Today, I gave in to that temptation.
The biggest thing, though, is that I am really starting to wonder if I even care. Is it worth the energy and the pain to fight this fight? I know I have a lot to offer, and if he can't see that, and reciprocate, what's the point? He has done NOTHING to change the way he relates to me, to the kids or to his responsibilities.
I know we will end up having a big discussion today, timely I guess as he has counseling tonite. Part of me just wants to apologize for my outburst this morning, but tell him that we have just been keeping things in a comfortable space while he prepares to move out, that I never thought that plan might change, and that is probably the best option. The other part of me wants to shut up and say nothing.
