Re the ML thing .... it was a 180 for me, since that was one of his complaints. I was withdrawn, due to my own low self-esteem, and by the time he started the EA, I had started to work on myself, and thinking about my own sexuality, amongst other things. So! Once I found out about the EA, I decided that it was time to up the ante, and work that OW right out of the equation, since she only had contact via the phone, email and IM. So, here is what I did ... I went onto a site where men talk about their wants and needs with women. I think it's called askmen.com, or something. I wanted to see what men wanted from us women, and, boy, did I have fun trying things on my H. Stuff he didn't even think of. Sometimes, I just have to say a word, and he knows exactly what I mean, and why, and he gets all shy. So funny, and cute.
I think this is something that everyone has to decide on at a personal level. My H felt rather guilty about it, but I assured him that I was getting as much, if not more, fun out of ML, and that I had no expectations from him since I had come to terms with our D'ing. Everyone has to decide what their comfort level is, and work within those boundaries. I just decided that I had nothing to lose and, who knew, if we did D, when I would ever get the opportunity to ML to anyone again. Well, that was my way of justifying it to myself.
Anyway, sorry if this is rather long-winded, but I thought maybe some of you might get a kick out my little story, or even a tip or two. Ultimately, whether it's ML, or anything else, the thing is to have fun in keeping them guessing, wondering, and curious about this person who they vaguely remember from when they first met you (especially us long-married people - 20 years for me). Think fun! You know, I even hid his cell phone once - it was hilarious watching him searching everywhere, and not wanting to ask me if I knew where it was. I was snickering under my breath.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: Re the ML thing .... it was a 180 for me, since that was one of his complaints. I was withdrawn, due to my own low self-esteem, and by the time he started the EA, I had started to work on myself, and thinking about my own sexuality, amongst other things.
This was a huge contributing factor for us, as well. If I had found this board a year ago or ten years ago, I'd be over on sex-starved marriage, as an LDS... It was through my own counseling after we seperated that I came to terms with a lot of personal issues that were affecting my sexuality. H has a hard time with it sometimes now because he's not used to me initiating, or even showing interest, let alone pulling new tricks out of my bag. He doesn't believe the authenticity of it. That is a part of why I feel our sexual relationship is so important right now. If he was all wham bam thank you and out the door, it'd be different. but there is a connection there when we ML now, well most of the time or 65% of the time, and it is like a little light beaming through the muck. PLUS, and I hate to even bring it up, but OW has no shame about using her sexuality to keep my H interested, in fact, according to H, part of the attraction was her excessive sexual innuendos.
I guess I am saying it is a 180 for me too, but it is real, as far as that goes it's like the cat has been let out of the bag, or something like that.
Also, BeingMe, I want to thank you for your posts on this thread, you're always very encouraging yet straightforward, THANKS!! Hope the studying went well and paid off!
And, on a side note, learned to always lock the car last night, seems someone got into my car and walked away with my son's walkman, all of our CD's, (just burned ones, thankfully) but worst of all, my bag with Divorce Remedy and my journal. Some loser had a good read last night!
Hi Leslie, My H and your H seem to have alot in common, if you ever have the time drop by my thread (I don't post often) to see what I mean. My H definitely seems to be taking care of his inner 18 year old as well, definitely (early!!)MLC. And the analogy about Lucy taking the football away, boy is that ever true! And so awful to live through! Anyway, just wanted to offer support and say that I think you are right to want to be there for your H. I feel the same way, except when I get really mad, which is not too often anymore. Just last nite I told H that I decided to love him unconditionally and will always be there for him no matter what he chooses to do, as a friend, but that I cannot put my life on hold while he figures it out. When I read of your letter to him, I identified with your thinking totally, and since I know from my own experiences that most people (well meaning loved ones) do not understand or support such thinking, that maybe you might need to hear that from as many people as possible. I know I do. Keep your chin up, I just know there is a great reward at the end of this tough road we are on!!
Monday Journaling... Had a relatively nice few days with H and boys, we've had several events and things to go to both alone and as a family. H said last nite that he knows we probably need to talk but that regardless the past few days have been nice. I'm thinking nice because we haven't had any R talks, but there is still such an obvious lack of affection. Sometimes, just that we are talking and laughing like friends I want to feel that these are positive steps, rebuilding that part of our R. But then I start to think that I am so sick and tired of this crap between us, I am tired of pretending that there is not this HUGE thing to deal with.
Phone bill came out last week, and I discovered that he may have lied about his trip last weekend. It seemed pretty likely that he went and met OW, and I kept my mouth shut about it all weekend. But, of course today I had to look at it again and realized he wasn't where he said he was for the majority of the weekend, so what do I do? Yep, called him at work on his cell and told him I knew. He denied meeting OW, but said he is sick of me looking into his business and got all pissed off. Expected reaction, and deserved, but it's not like it isn't MY phone bill too. Anyway, he is mad mad mad, and I am really beginning to wonder if any of this is worth my time.
He said that he had talked to OW about going to see her, but has put the brakes on making plans because he's liked the space we've been in. Too me, that sounds like he is trying to make be feel like I blew it. I told him that even though we haven't been having serious discussions and have kind of been ignoring hte issues at hand, I didn't think anything had really changed as far as our situation, or his feelings. So he responded if I felt that way he'd be back on the couch tonite. Childish?
I know I should have just kept my mouth shut, and waited to approach a R talk from a more positive angle, and definately not while he was at work, I just had that overwhelming AARRGGHH feeling, and before I knew it I was dialing his number. For a week now I've been telling myself, ignore the A, it's a symptom not the problem, blah blah blah. Today, I gave in to that temptation.
The biggest thing, though, is that I am really starting to wonder if I even care. Is it worth the energy and the pain to fight this fight? I know I have a lot to offer, and if he can't see that, and reciprocate, what's the point? He has done NOTHING to change the way he relates to me, to the kids or to his responsibilities.
I know we will end up having a big discussion today, timely I guess as he has counseling tonite. Part of me just wants to apologize for my outburst this morning, but tell him that we have just been keeping things in a comfortable space while he prepares to move out, that I never thought that plan might change, and that is probably the best option. The other part of me wants to shut up and say nothing.
Alright, I reread my post and I don't like it. I forgot what my goal was in my behavior last week, and I was so PO'd about more lies that I ignored how my behavior was WORKING! So, I need to make some new rules for myself:
-Don't Snoop! But if I do snoop, vent here or call a friend but don't tell H...
-Remember what you're going for! Which is this: Are H and I in love? No. Do I want to try and find that love again with H? Yes.
So last week was actually a great week, looking back when I am not angry! I was actually ddetaching, H and I were finding our space where we can hang out together, joke around and be a *little* flirty without either of us feeling pressure. That is a good thing! So, if I REALLY want to try and find that "in love" feeling again, then I need to keep it up.
He did tell me today that he also really enjoyed the past week, particularly the weekend and all the things we did together, both alone and as a family. BUT he still feels he need to go and see OW, he hasn't seen her since January, and he thinks that if he has face to face contact, then he'll know that either 1) she's not all that, and his feelings are fantasy, too much time has passed, or 2) he can't live without her. He feels that the limbo will not end until he makes this trip (and swears, believably, that he did not see her last wknd).
My dilemma, of course I don't want him to go, how is one meeting going to resolve his feelings for her one way or the other? Yet, I don't want to give him any ultimatums, and I don't want him to always wonder if it could have been something with her (he's worried about that too). I had told him weeks ago if he went to see her, he'd better have other living arrangements made, but I really just want to remove myself from it entirely. I guess I could worry about it when the time comes, it is premature to decide what my reaction would be should he go...
My hope is that if I/we can keep things progressing as they have been, his need to go see her will diminish. Plus, what can I do about it? And worrying is not GAL and focusing on me and the kids and all of that other good stuff, right?
Monday morning rambles...feel the need to journal the last few days, so I can try and keep perspective and mark progress or ???
Really great weekend with H. He came home from work Friday flirting and fun. Usually when he acts like this, I try and attach meaning to every look exchanged, words expressed...bt it wasn't like that this weekend. Saturday morning I passed him in our room, he stopped and told me that he really wanted to thank me for how I've been, that obviously things aren't perfect and he does have the OW sitch, but that my friendship and support and even love, without pressure, is really helping him. He also said that he realizes right now it seems that everything is about him, and that he hopes that after he sorts his problems, everything will be about me. I was surprised, and all I could really say was "your welcome," and thank you for telling me.
The weekend was full of things I have been missing...little touches as we walk, sexual innuendos going back and forth, even came up and kissed me on the neck as I was prepping dinner. He talked about going to see his family this summer, and how his mom wants the kids for a week ASAP, that we should send them off and have a week to ourselves. Lots of future talk in the "we" context.
I want to think he is turning the tide. The texting OW and phone calls are still there, but not quite as much the past few days. Of course, I have no idea why it has been less, and I really don't even want to concern myself with it.
Last week I was offered a job that seemed awesome, great pay, award-winning agency, seemed great on the surface, but it would have involved an hour commute each way, and I knew that I didn't want that time lost in my day, so I turned the job down. This is a total 180 for me, I usually would have taken the job until something better came along, I think H was really surprised. It's not like me to say NO, I've been more wishy-washy when I make decisions. We've also been talking a lot about our spirtuality, and how that has been missing from our lives and we should pursue that further. I feel like a lot of bonding has taken place in the last week, opening the door for us to grow closer.
I wonder if a lot of what is happening right now is because I have backed off. I am cheery and fun and flirty with him, I listen when we talk, and really try not to interject "me" into our conversations. Don't ask questions, or bring up R (well, except for that one day last week, ok maybe once every week or so ):p
I feel that detachment is coming on it's own. I'm not trying so hard to let go and focus on myself, it's just happening. Of course, this could be because things have been improving over the last couple weeks, but I think that is really only a small part of it. I am curious to see what his week will bring, what comes out of his C session tonite, what kind of fabulous job I will find!
Quote: I wonder if a lot of what is happening right now is because I have backed off. I am cheery and fun and flirty with him, I listen when we talk, and really try not to interject "me" into our conversations. Don't ask questions, or bring up R (well, except for that one day last week, ok maybe once every week or so ):p
Ultimately, whether it's ML, or anything else, the thing is to have fun in keeping them guessing, wondering, and curious about this person who they vaguely remember from when they first met you (especially us long-married people - 20 years for me). Think fun! You know, I even hid his cell phone once - it was hilarious watching him searching everywhere, and not wanting to ask me if I knew where it was. I was snickering under my breath. 