Doing a pretty good job of keeping preoccupied about things other than my M. But, have some quiet time right now, which is usually when I start playing those nasty old tapes. I posted earlier that H came home from his trip in super love mode. He hasn't been like that in years, if ever. So romantic and sweet and I actually felt genuine feelings, not faking it. But as usual after ML or even a good time together, he withdrew. I expect this now, but at the same time I have a hard time with it. I don't want to tell him "don't touch me" because I WANT him to touch me, however to be that intimate with each other than have him withdraw really hurts the ego...
If we had spent more evenings together like we did on Sunday, we may well not be in this mess right now. Does it mean he didn't contact OW the next day? Nope! Do I care? Yes, of course, but I think I am moving back into that place I was before we moved back in together, where on the one hand sleeping together and doing things as a couple and reaching out to feel a little love together is nice, it's not going to stop me from GAL, and he needs to keep seeing that too... Besides, OW relationship is text messages and emails and maybe occasional phone calls, so I'm trying ot see it as a fantasy that involves a real person, my Therapist referred to OW has personalized porn, I like that.
H's birthday is Thursday, it coincides with the first big work-related event of the year. H asked me to be his date, and I am going to go, I want to, to meet more people in this town, so H can be proud of his wife, who's looking pretty damn good these days (yeah! the skinny jeans I've saved since high school are a little loose!), and to have fun and flirt a little, H hasn't really seen me out in a social setting since I've gotten back a lot of my self-esteem, I think he may be surprised.
My point that I want to remember is that I need to keep this space with H, responsive to him most of the time, doing my own thing and pursuing my own interests, and not focus on OW. When I maintain that, and do not EXPECT anything from him, he becomes more curious, more attentive, and communicates less with OW. Keep the focus on what I can control. I do feel a little weird, like I am playing a game, pretending that the OW sitch doesn't bother me, but it feels wrong to not be friendly with H, to not have conversations and do things together. Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I am hoping that by continuing to do all of the above, OW will shrivel up and fall away. Am I letting him eat cake? Maybe, but if I continue doing what I am doing on my own, outside of our M, he'll start realizing what he's going to be missing. At least that's what I tell myself, and if I am wrong, then if he does decide to move out and move on, I'll already be on that path of moving forward. Right?
