Quote: I've snooped, confronted him and cought him in so many lies these last few months .. I ca hardly beleive he's that fun loving, honest, up-standing guy I married.
This is me, completely. My H has returned from his alien planet a few times, I've seen the flicker of the guy I know occasionally, but right now he is getting ready for another launch into orbit.
He was supposed to call last night, it's not like him not to, even in the darkest times he always called when he said he would. Of course, I couldn't sleep, trying to figure out how I want to react to him when he comes home today/tonite. I tried to stop the ugly tapes from rolling through my head, like all the imaginations about the long phone calls to OW while he was alone in his hotel room last nite. I know it does ME no good to run those scenarios.
Yesterday I took the kids to the city, went to the zoo and this crazy arcade, we had a really good time, nice to distract myself, for the most part. I had decided that I would be nice and open to him, try to be warm. He called about 8 to tell me he was coming home today rather than last nite, and I just got really upset, I know my tone changed towards him. He said he'd call later and when he didn't, I almost had an anxiety attack, this is so not like me... I've been through this with him before, yet I felt the way I did the very first weekend he left home. Couldn't sleep, up every hour, I look like hell today. Maybe it's because I'm afraid this time might be for real, the end.
Now, I can't figure out how I want to try and react to him. I had wanted to try and get to that place of detachment that I had been to before, IT WORKED, but know I am hurt and angry and throwing a little pity party for myself. Started thinking maybe I should take the kids to go visit my mom for a few days, it's spring break, and leave before he gets home. I know that will piss him off though, he'll be mad about missing the kids. If I wait until tonite or tomorrow, it's almost like asking for a blow-out, though.
I am more confused, hurt, angry and sad then I have been in six months.
