Leslie, the thing to keep in mind is that you can set boundaries and detach without giving him the cold shoulder.
I don't think the cold shoulder is good at all. You don't have to "be there" for him, and in fact you can "ignore him," but you should do it cheerfully, as though you're having much more fun not worrying about him.
The cold shoulder only communicates that you are angry with him and are rejecting him, which will not help you get him back.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
The cold shoulder only communicates that you are angry with him and are rejecting him, which will not help you get him back.
You are right, and I know that, it pushes him further away. Plus, I am so much happier when I am not ignoring, or being cold, when I am acting "as if" I can care without expectations.
And, I feel SO MUCH better after that rant, it's amazing!
Hey Leslie just reading over your posts.. your sitch sounds so familiar to mine. My H has been contacting OW (ex GF from when he dated in Highschool) WHen I found out I was devastated.. emotionally wrought, pleading, blah blah.. I'm 6 months pregnant now.. but I told him from the VERY beginning of our relationship that I would NEVER tolerate him lying or cheating on me... so a week later I told him to leave.. go to her house , go to his sisters house, go to his friends I didn't care but I would not be disrespected and lied to in our house. So off he went to his sisters house.. while continuing to lie to me and the kids ad himself... It's been hard.. I've snooped, confronted him and cought him in so many lies these last few months .. I ca hardly beleive he's that fun loving, honest, up-standing guy I married.
But I also believe he's also having a hard time dealing with a bad family when he wa s a child, his dad dying when he was 12 and other things in life... I have also noticed when I am happier and have seemed like I'm moving on WO him .. he starts to talk to me more... when I am on the bottom of this emotional rollar coaster and I act cold and indifferent.. WITHOUT being just a "friend" (nice happy, cheery, like life is ok WO him) he tends to pull back.
I hope your sitch gets better we are here for you.
Quote: I've snooped, confronted him and cought him in so many lies these last few months .. I ca hardly beleive he's that fun loving, honest, up-standing guy I married.
This is me, completely. My H has returned from his alien planet a few times, I've seen the flicker of the guy I know occasionally, but right now he is getting ready for another launch into orbit.
He was supposed to call last night, it's not like him not to, even in the darkest times he always called when he said he would. Of course, I couldn't sleep, trying to figure out how I want to react to him when he comes home today/tonite. I tried to stop the ugly tapes from rolling through my head, like all the imaginations about the long phone calls to OW while he was alone in his hotel room last nite. I know it does ME no good to run those scenarios.
Yesterday I took the kids to the city, went to the zoo and this crazy arcade, we had a really good time, nice to distract myself, for the most part. I had decided that I would be nice and open to him, try to be warm. He called about 8 to tell me he was coming home today rather than last nite, and I just got really upset, I know my tone changed towards him. He said he'd call later and when he didn't, I almost had an anxiety attack, this is so not like me... I've been through this with him before, yet I felt the way I did the very first weekend he left home. Couldn't sleep, up every hour, I look like hell today. Maybe it's because I'm afraid this time might be for real, the end.
Now, I can't figure out how I want to try and react to him. I had wanted to try and get to that place of detachment that I had been to before, IT WORKED, but know I am hurt and angry and throwing a little pity party for myself. Started thinking maybe I should take the kids to go visit my mom for a few days, it's spring break, and leave before he gets home. I know that will piss him off though, he'll be mad about missing the kids. If I wait until tonite or tomorrow, it's almost like asking for a blow-out, though.
I am more confused, hurt, angry and sad then I have been in six months.
Just want to say that it's absolutely normal to be feeling angry and hurt. Think we are in quite similar grounds? My H also had an A with his coworker. We have two boys... S8.5 and S6. He left the company and joined another, and moved to a different country. At that time, told me that he needed to think things over and perhaps kids and I will join in later. And guess what? I found out that he actually had the whole intention of leaving us behind and bring ow with him. I was devastated... I was all over the place with my emotions. It's been a year since I found out about the A, 7 1/2 months since H moved to the foreign country... no signs of any D yet, but still no action whatsoever from my H. Yes, we are somewhat in a limbo but I've resolved to NOT wondering too much or thinking too much about my H or my M (but of course occassionally it crops into my mind).. I've tried to focus on myself and my kids, and frankly,...I think I am coping well.(Sorry for hijack...but what I am trying to highlight here is that there is NOTHING we can do to change our H. They would have to come to their own conclusion as to what is important to them. If ow is who they want to spend their life with, we can't stop that. Can we? We have to stand back and let them decide for themselves. BUT neither would we want to PUSH our H to the ow. So, what do we do? We get on with our lives happily...for our own sake, and for our boys' sakes. We have to stop feeding our hurt with awful hurtful thoughts, because H is not going to care, is he?? Gosh...but of course there are exceptions when our PMS hormones does funny things.. )
Prime your mind to focus on yourself and your kids... and I am sure everything will fall into place.
Leslie, your best bet is to just let it go. The anger and fear, that is. You know that detachment is your best defence. I know, it is very difficult - it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been able to do.
Remember some of the DB'ing advice: Detach GAL Set goals and work to achieve them Know you cannot control the other person, only your reaction to their choices.
Please, please, know that you will be okay, no matter what happens with your M. You will! You are a strong, worthwhile, competent, loyal, loving, forgiving, understanding, special, person, and no-one can take that away from you. I am sure that people who know you best, will be able to vastly add to my list.
Be your own best friend!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yo-yo, yes, I've read some of your sitch before, very similiar, kids are even close to the same age! You know, you'd think with all these WAH's behaving relatively the same way, some smart lady would invent a fix-him pill... KIDDING! Thank you for dropping by!
I know the way to get through this, the detachment and GAL AND focusing on the kids have worked tremendously through this whole ordeal, I just need to stick to it! Yesterday, the whole weekend, was very dark for me, I needed those few days to wallow. Today, I feel better, yes it is largely because H came home all lovey and romantic last nite, but the good feelings from that aren't "oh he loves me he really loves me," it's more just that it has set the stage to do what I need to do without the tension and the dramatics.
And, as far as the kids, (this is to remind myself, too), they are incredibly sweet, smart boys. They KNOW something is up, even if they do not know specifically what, even if H and I talk R after their bedtime, they still sense it. I can see it in my S9's eyes sometimes when he look's at me and his dad. Their happiness is absolutely the most important thing right now, and I need to be there for them however they need me.
Quote: You know that detachment is your best defence. I know, it is very difficult...
Be your own best friend!
BeingMe, I am going to print your entire post and carry it with me, keep it on my dashboard, pin it to the mirror, make it my mantra!
These are the words I need to learn to believe, well I do believe them, I'm just not living them yet.
Today, no R crap. Hung out with kids while they rode skateboards and played in the sun (been missing that sun), made Spongebob suckers, hung up a painting that I reframed, not wallowing! Gym tonite and gee, maybe I'll come home a little later than usual...
BeingMe, Thank you for your support and your reminders. They are like road signs, "this way!"
Doing a pretty good job of keeping preoccupied about things other than my M. But, have some quiet time right now, which is usually when I start playing those nasty old tapes. I posted earlier that H came home from his trip in super love mode. He hasn't been like that in years, if ever. So romantic and sweet and I actually felt genuine feelings, not faking it. But as usual after ML or even a good time together, he withdrew. I expect this now, but at the same time I have a hard time with it. I don't want to tell him "don't touch me" because I WANT him to touch me, however to be that intimate with each other than have him withdraw really hurts the ego...
If we had spent more evenings together like we did on Sunday, we may well not be in this mess right now. Does it mean he didn't contact OW the next day? Nope! Do I care? Yes, of course, but I think I am moving back into that place I was before we moved back in together, where on the one hand sleeping together and doing things as a couple and reaching out to feel a little love together is nice, it's not going to stop me from GAL, and he needs to keep seeing that too... Besides, OW relationship is text messages and emails and maybe occasional phone calls, so I'm trying ot see it as a fantasy that involves a real person, my Therapist referred to OW has personalized porn, I like that.
H's birthday is Thursday, it coincides with the first big work-related event of the year. H asked me to be his date, and I am going to go, I want to, to meet more people in this town, so H can be proud of his wife, who's looking pretty damn good these days (yeah! the skinny jeans I've saved since high school are a little loose!), and to have fun and flirt a little, H hasn't really seen me out in a social setting since I've gotten back a lot of my self-esteem, I think he may be surprised.
My point that I want to remember is that I need to keep this space with H, responsive to him most of the time, doing my own thing and pursuing my own interests, and not focus on OW. When I maintain that, and do not EXPECT anything from him, he becomes more curious, more attentive, and communicates less with OW. Keep the focus on what I can control. I do feel a little weird, like I am playing a game, pretending that the OW sitch doesn't bother me, but it feels wrong to not be friendly with H, to not have conversations and do things together. Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I am hoping that by continuing to do all of the above, OW will shrivel up and fall away. Am I letting him eat cake? Maybe, but if I continue doing what I am doing on my own, outside of our M, he'll start realizing what he's going to be missing. At least that's what I tell myself, and if I am wrong, then if he does decide to move out and move on, I'll already be on that path of moving forward. Right?
Right, Leslie! And, don't forget that you are eating some of that cake too! That's what worked with my H - I let him have it, with no expectations, learned to enjoy my little side thing with him, and got on with the other things I enjoyed in my life, while H was wallowing in his self-doubt, confusion, self-pity, and little fantasy world. Ultimately, I became the better fantasy! He couldn't wait to get home! Hehehehehe! He actually told me, that all that ML, won him back. At first, I was a little offended, but then I thought - HA, gotcha!
I am thinking of ya!
Okay, it's late, been studying wwwwaaaayyyy too much, and writing Anatomy & Pysiology 2 tomorrow. Ouch!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
) 
That's what worked with my H - I let him have it, with no expectations, learned to enjoy my little side thing with him, and got on with the other things I enjoyed in my life, while H was wallowing in his self-doubt, confusion, self-pity, and little fantasy world. Ultimately, I became the better fantasy! He couldn't wait to get home! Hehehehehe! 