Just journailing here, my emotions are so all over the map, it is really hard to even put a finger on what I want to do, how I want to handle things...
H is out of town this weekend, left last night to go to our hometown, visit his sister and visit his dad's grave, he said he'd be home either tonite or tomorrow nite. He had his fourth counseling appt. before he left yesterday, came home all excited and ready to leave for the weekend. He's realizing through C that he has a lot of unresolved issues regarding his dad's death, he died from cancer VERY quickly when H was 18, after his dad's death he just developed this "I'm gonna die young so live every moment like it's my last" attitude. After his C, he said he had to go do this trip this weekend, and I agree, he needs to get a handle on all of this childhood anger. His C told him that right now he is taking care of his 18 year old self, and surprisingly H agrees. Although, for now he only relates that to his issues with his family, not the whole OW thing. Part of me feels guilty that I relate all of his recent revelations re: his family to the affair, but the link is so obvious.
Which is why this is all so hard. I don't want my marriage to be over. I don't want H to move out. I told him he had to if he was going to continue talking with OW. On one hand, I know that he is eating cake, he fantasizes about his love for OW, but will stay up all night and talk with me about his life, I am his only true confidant. He is obviously depressed, maybe MLC, I don't know, so is it wise for me to cut him off when he is so mixed up? Am I really going to show him how much he'll be missing? Nite before last we were talking, he always initiates R talk, and he told me he misses me so much already, that every nite he has been on the couch this week he just wants to come in our room and get in bed with me. Totally touches my heart, yet I'm thinking of all the nites we were in bed together and he had his back to me as far to the edge as he could get.
I re-read all of my old posts, going back to XMAS, when he first started coming around. I can see what happened, I know what was bringing him back. I never pushed about OW. When he began working out of town, I made it obvious that I was moving on, but when he was home on weekends I was flirty and fun and we did stuff together as a family, I gave him the attention that I knew he was getting from OW. Part of me wants to go back to that. Part of me feels like it is easier to pretend that things are a certain way, that by acting as if I am ok with what is happening and am picking up and moving forward,and REALLY doing that, but still sharing a bed and affections and what not, the OW thing will die off. She is five hours away, he has no money to drive or get hotels or what not...so...
His most recent withdrawal from me came when I started EXPECTING him to woo me, romance me, and prove to me that he wanted this to work, and my disappointment became obvious.
The other part of me says that I need to continue with the cold shoulder, but as these past days have passed, that has been my MO, and he has become more resolved to move out and move forward on his own, and I have become sadder and sadder.
Even now, re-reading what I am posting (thank goodness for the preview option!) I don't think the cold shoulder treatment will get me anywhere. If I can get back to the mental place I was in around Xmas, where I expected nothing and enjoyed pursuing my own life, and basically played a dating game with H, I would be happier, and he may start coming around to the place he was in too, when he decided he needed his family back together. And if he doesn't, the GAL-ing will help me deal with it better.
I know this is rambling, all over the place. Am I rationalizing each of our behaviours? If I start letting him in again, am I sending the message that what he is doing is okay? I know he feels guilty about his contact with OW, if I act as if I don't even care, does that make it more or less exciting?
