Journaling, ranting, whatever... Wrote H a letter yesterday, sometimes it is so hard to say what I want to say, I get off-track when we are talking in person. Anyway, I basically said I loved him, but I realized he no longer had any fight left in him where our marriage is concerned, and that over the past seven months I have realized what I want in my life, and what would make me happy, and that he deserves to be happy and at peace with himself, too. And, basically that I don't harbor any anger or resent towards him, and want to let him go with unconditional love and honest hope that he finds what he is looking for.
I know it upset him, he was crying, and I didn't pressure to talk about it. He slept on the couch again last night (I had told him he can't share the bed with me anymore, this is nite 2 on the couch).
This a.m. I asked if he was going to our hometown this weekend like he had mentioned, he said, "I'm not going to see OW if that's what you are asking." (OW doesn't live in our old town). He DID tell me that he would probably make arrangements to see her in the next couple weeks. I told him that he owed me the respect to make his arrangements after he moved out, and if he can't wait that long he should find another place to sleep when he got back, I wasn't going to witness any of that. SO of course he freaked out and said I was contradicting my letter, said he told me he was going to see her to get my reaction...I had to explain that just because I want him to be happy, and am trying to accept that we are through, I don't want to deal with OW in my face.
I am playing a dangerous game. Of course, everything I wrote to him is true. I do want us both to be happy, neither of us have been for SO long. What I realize, and he doesn't, is that it wasn't our marriage to each other that made us unhappy, it was ourselves. We have both been so detached from life, he doesn't see that when we learn to love ourselves, all the rest could fall into place. There is so much love and compassion and feeling left for both of us towards each other...
Anyway, the game is dangerous because even though I know that I can't deal with OW crap anymore, and I am ready to go one way or the other with my marriage, I am secretely hoping that cutting him off from me emotionally will help him realize what he'll be missing. When he can't use me for emotional support while texting endless love notes to OW, all he'll be left with is the endless love notes. I don't think that will be enough.
I never made him fight hard enough to get me back, I wanted it SO bad, everytime he'd start coming around again, I would cave in.
Anyway, today will be about sending off resumes and re-reading DB, particularly the last resort technique. I kinda need to find some focus here, remember what I wrote to him and stick to it.
