Quote: Forget the OW! I obsessed about my H's OW, and really, it was a waste of time.
You noticed my obsession, huh?
Yeah, you're right. It's just that if H is having an A, I DONT want the M. I dont know how to get it through to him. H sees nothing wrong with continuing the A and keeping the M in the terrible state that it is. I dont want a three person M. I am happy to be on my own in this case.
Journalling:
Am I the most hateful person on this earth? Why cant I keep my mouth shut?
I nagged yesterday - and was not a person of integrity at all. Yes, previously I could say H wound me up BUT not this time. I should have control over myself.
Well, I realised after the fact and apologised. H: you always do it and then feel sorry. I am not going to accept this all your life. Me: that is your choice. I also will not accept being treated like a servant all my life. H: that is your choice. Me: you are right, that is my choice.
A while later I went to bed. I woke up and found H had his arm on me. Today H got up in a really good mood. Whilst we were brushing our teeth H said: 'you cant blame others for what is wrong with your life. you've got to make it what you want. these are your words. I wish i could stop them buzzing in my head'.
From this, I gather that maybe H is finally tired of my shouting and nagging and has decided that he will now be with ow and be happy ( BeingMe, sorry about the obsession). Except that he kept hitting me on my bottom which he used to do all the time before the A. I cant really guess what is in his mind. All I know is that in this way neither he nor I am happy.
However, I cannot focus on any of this, can I?
So my goals for the day are, once again:
Be much more aware of my actions and reactions. Think before I react. If I get angry about something, ask myself how a person of integrity would react
If tomorrow, I have to come and say that I failed yet again, I will be really upset with myself.
