I see you being a person who puts a high value on respect, honoring of human dignity, trust... integrity. Core values we all know and crave. I see in your posts that you feel you are missing this from your H, and truly, by your descriptions, he does not and has not really offered you these things. <nod> I can understand the roads you've traveled, the decisions you've made, the regrets you have about those decisions (OM), and I certainly understand you wanting to hang on to your M.
But what I see in you, that I was never able to see in myself... is that you are NOT a person of respect, you are NOT a person of dignity, you are NOT a person of trust, nor are you a person of integrity.
Why do I say this?
Because these are not things you offer to another in trade for in-kind service. These things are not commodities of exchange, which you are treating them as right now.
Rather, they are the pilliars, the foundation of Who YOU Are, regardless of the actions or reponses of another person.
Righ now, you get angry because you feel your H is attempting to control you, or disrespect you by disregarding your wishes with your son (as an example). Your anger, then, allows for the dismantling of what you are willing to trade in-kind. Anger for respect. "You don't treat me respectfully, therefore, I am justified in feeling angry, hurt (whatever), and therefore, not necessarily acting respectful toward you either."
You give up control of Who You Are because of the actions or reactions of someone else. Yet you blame him for trying to control you... (isn't this a pisser? Much easier to blame the SOBs...) He is not taking control of you... you are giving it away... the moment he becomes disrespectful, you do as well. Why would you ever allow someone to change a core value that is fundamental to your being... when you never, ever, ever HAVE to?
A person who's foundation is made up of respect, trust, honor and integrity has no personal investment in how another behaves, and therefore, has no reason to become angry by their actions, regardless of what those actions may be. Here's your simple phrase:
BE, everyday, in every instance, that which you would like to receive from others. Yeah, I know, it's the Golden Rule, plagerized to hell and back... but maybe you can see new meaning in it. Truly feel its significance. It's not a trite phrase.
It is truly this simple. Honest to God.
When you are and act in a respectful, trusting, honoring manner, with integrity, your H's response to you is going to change. He will begin to mirror that which you offer and give to him everyday, without expectation of anything in return. For him to do otherwise, in any consistent fashion over time, will expose his own disrespectful behavior to HIMSELF. You won't have to do a darn thing... except remain consistent with who and what you are... not for him... but for yourself. Because these are the fundamental elements of your being. Period.
So. Think on this for a bit... and see if you can get what I am saying... and then I'd like to ask you... how might you approach your H now about the bedtime issue. How would you bring it up to him again, as a person of respect, trust, honor and integrity?
BTW... I was in court today for the close of my D. Buried my 16 year marriage. Not a route I'd recommend to many. But I can tell you... if YOU don't change at your root level... you are probably going to wind up there.
Why do you have to change, why not him? Well. You don't have to do anything. But if you WANT to be that person of respect, trust, honor, dignity and integrity, you'll do it and practice it until you become really, really good at it... simply because you want to, and it won't matter to you what your H does or doesn't do...
You cannot change the past no more than you can control the future. You can only control 'now.' How you choose to be and act 'now.' It does not take strength to change yourself or your life. It takes awareness. Be consciously aware of what you are doing, what you are choosing and why. If you mess up, learn from it, not beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes. We're human. Beating yourself up about something is being a victim. Paying 'attention' to yourself, your choices, your actions... that is putting your hands on the steering wheel of your life. ... Well... you don't want to be there right now because it is sad and uncomfortable. Give yourself and your H a break. Rome wasn't built in a day... and you haven't even started yet on BEing Who You Are for any period of time. You have the PERFECT environment in which to practice being Who You Are... guarantee you, if you can get good at it, really become this person, where you are right now... if at some point you do end up divorced, you will have stopped a very self-destructive pattern.
Your anger is serving a purpose, yes. It justifies you not trying or making any effort over a period of time. It is self-defeating, self-destructive, and keeps you in a pool of helplessness and despair. Keeps you from being respectful, honest, dignified, etc. And it makes your H completely in control of the situation... which is actually a power play on your part. Because if you give him all the control, then you can't be to blame for being angry, for not trying... this is a very, very dangerous game to play. And believe me, I am speaking from experience. I am a PRO at power plays... stop competiting with your H. Control is an illusion. There is no power to grab. There is only what is as it is. Deal with it from the framework of Who You Are. ------------------------------------------------------------
For me, I am at a really uncertain place. I dont know what to expect from H or what will happen in our M. Therefore, I can only work on myself. A lot of what Corrie posted rings true for me as well. Regardless of how H acts or what he does, I want to make myself someone I can be proud of. In my earlier thread, I had written that I sometime cannot control my reactions to H and NY came right back with the response that if people cannot control themselves then, what is the difference between them and animals. This, simple as it appears, made me stop and really look at myself. I always had an excuse for my reactions and for the way I responded to H and what I saw, I didnt like.
Since then I have been much more in control of what I say and do, and you know what, it isn't so difficult. I want to be a person of trust, of integrity and of dignity and the only person stopping me from being that way is me.
Why am i focusing on changes in myself in the piecing forum? Because that is the only thing I can control or change that will serve to piece my M together. I think also there is the realisation that if I am not happy with who I am, then how can I expect my H to be happy with me and therefore how can I expect him to want to stay with me?
My goals for this week:
Be much more aware of my actions and reactions. Think before I react. If I get angry about something, ask myself how a person of integrity would react.
I am going to limit my goals for the weekend to these three.
I think I will start small.
I will also process other bits from Corrie's post later in the thread.
