I am apprehensively, fingers crossed, salt over-my-shoulder, hopefully, crossing over to this forum from the Infidelity one. I have lurked here now for a couple of weeks and have read several of the threads. The progress that you all have made is amazing. The courage and grace all have shown is even more so.
I am 33, my H is 35. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8 and have a daughter aged 5.
H had an affair from Oct 2004. I found out Jan 3rd 2005. I think it ended Nov 2005 (but am not sure). H is still living with me.
In November, H was visiting the country where ow lives and I ended up asking him to decide what he wanted. I could not handle being in the situation any more. Ostensibly he chose to stay married and ended the affair. Later I found (deducted) out that ow told him that she had found someone else and unless he left me and married her, she would not stay with him.
H and I recently went to the U.S. for a conference where we both presented papers. Going together was Hs idea. Given that he also wanted to me to accompany him in July 2005 to his and ows country whilst he was in the middle of the affair and planning a trip with ow, I am not sure what to make of this. More about the trip later.
There are several issues I am dealing with and I feel that this may be the best forum for it.
What is love? Does H love me? Do I love H? I feel that H and I should stay together only if we love each other. I have seen written that love is a choice - I agree with this in a rational way and that is one of the reasons I am still here. The other is my daughter. Why am I asking this question? Well, I recently did partnership profiles for me and H and ow and H and whilst H and I have commitment, great communication etc between us, H and ow have a double Mars/venus connection that one person interpreted as a strong romantic connection, another as strong sexual attraction and a third as a dangerous obsession. I guess for me the issue is 'what if H and ow truly love each other and I am the one in the way?' 'What if H is only staying with me out of a sense of responsibility? This I could not bear. So how much weight does one store by these things? If love is a choice then does any of this matter?
The second issue is how can I change for the better. I have a clear vision of who I would like to be. I have come a long way but have a lot to do still. As the title of my thread says, I want to take complete responsibility for me and my happiness and this will ultimately take me to where I want to be.
Is staying with H the best thing for me and is staying with me the best thing for H? I think I can only answer the first part. The second part can and should only be answered by H. For me, this question can only be answered if the first one gets answered.
H has been putting in effort to make things work - the problem lies with me. I feel that my needs are not being met and this makes me resentful. I want H to give me WOA, physical reassurance and quality time. None of this happens without my initiation. This makes me really sad. I have spoken about this to H and he says, it will happen. Or he says, with ow it was all lies and he doesnt see the need for lies between us. Sometimes I feel it is hopeless and I should just give up and ask for a D. Other times, I feel that the A was an emotional one for H in which he had an emotional investment and I need to give him time to get over it.
As you can tell, I have very little clarity on what I want. Therefore, all I can do is continue to work on myself. I would appreciate your comments especially on what love means to you.
