Quote: 1) Share with your W. You have been saying all along that you are the one who is willing to talk, but W is not. In fact, you have not been sharing with W and she shared with you. So, you are wrong on this point. I suspect in your heart you feel more willing to share, but you have been afraid to take the emotional risk. You need to be willing to open up. What are your dreams for the future? How hurt and angry were you by the A? You need to share your feelings. They will keep coming out. And, your hurt and anger need to acknowledged, validated, and accepted for you to get beyond them. They will keep coming up in different ways, you both need to be prepared for that.
OT, for the most part, and I understand my error now, I left out my part of the conversation over the last two days. I have expressed all kinds of things to my W, from hurt to anger to happiness. I even made it a point last night to tell her exactly what you said, that I knew I had not been nearly as open to her, even in the past two days, than I thought I was. I then shared some feelings with her like how happy I was to have her open up to me and how hurt I have been over the last few months. It's a start, one I already made.
Quote: 2) I would very strongly recommend setting a very firm boundary with respect to OM right now. It is inappropriate for HER to be the one trying to comfort and care for OM. She is continuing to keep a third party in your marriage. I'd say it is time to make clear that it is no longer acceptable for that to continue.
I don't think this is necessary. Maybe I am being short sighted but she said over and over again how she does NOT want to see this guy again, nor contact him. She said that it's really been that way for awhile now, and it's been him that has kept contacting her. She said that they only saw each other because of the mutual gym thing. The lunch the other day was just a "goodbye" thing... Now, do I believe all this? Not really but she said, and I affirmed, that she wants nothing to do with him anymore. She knows I need this to be and has accepted it. I think it is a boundary that we both want. Is she over him? I don't know, but it sounds like it.
One thing I want to make clear; I think the important thing is the fact that she's saying anything at all, not necessarily WHAT she's saying. Sure, I would LOVE to believe that she's telling the whole truth but by her own admission she is not. Right now, she is saying enough.
Quote: 3) Look, to be very straight, she almost certainly had a PA, IMHO. Your suspicion is one very big clue, people are exceedingly rarely wrong. Also, what she said last night and her behavior with you physically suggest a PA. You need to express your fears about this and be very clear in what you need in terms of honesty from her (simple yes/no, details, etc...). And, she may think she has not participated in unsafe sex when she has (oral is not safe sex.)
I don't need her to come out and tell me these things. She has as much as done so and I don't need details. I KNOW she had a PA. As for safe sex, we have NEVER had unsafe sex except when she was trying for kids. From day one my W has been insistent on that as much as I have been.
Even though I don't need details or confirmation of the PA, I suspect before we have a physical relationship she will need to confess to me. She has done that every step of the way. From the way she is still hesitant, even though she knows I "forgave" her for "whatever" happened, I think she will need to know that I KNOW about the PA and still forgive her before we can resume our relations. It's just a hunch and I think I am right on this.
Either way, we still seem far off from $ex these days and there will be time for all that.
As I said, the conversation over the past two nights (there was more last night I need to journal about today that may clear some things up) has been of a sort not seen in my M EVER. It was open, emotional and seemed to be somewhat honest. It was a step.
