I told you that lots happened/was said last night...here is the whole story, or what I can remember...
Like I said, W was talking to "GF" when I got home from the game and I made a show of saying hi to "GF" as I walked by W on the phone. W thought this was strange but I managed to convince her that it was innocent.
Later on she stated for no apparent reason that "You have your therapy, I have mine" and as I walked down stairs to ask her what that meant, she said "I just needed to talk to friends sometimes." I said "I'm glad you have people to talk to." From there the convo went something (and this is a LOT of paraphrasing) like this:
W: I have had a rough day
M: I could tell. I'm sorry.
W: That's why I was on the phone when you got home, and why I have been talking to a lot of people today.
M: Again, I'm glad you have people to talk to. It helps sometimes. I hope you will feel that you can talk to me too sometime.
W: No, I'm fine now. I just needed to get it out. You know, it's not always about you.
M: I know. Actually, you need to understand that I don't really thing it's EVER about me anymore.
W: That's not true. It usually IS about you in some way or another.
M: Ok. I guess I understand.
W: If you only knew the day I had, you'd understand a lot more.
M: Why don't you tell me?
W: It's ok, I don't really want to talk about it anymore.
At this point W & I started talking about communication, and how she has realized that she never communicates with people, especially those she is closest to, and most of all me. We discussed at length our issues in terms of communication including my defensiveness which my W went into detail about how she didn't like that about me in the past. She talked about how in her family you just didn't ever say what you meant or felt because if you did you'd be shut down. She learned that from her parents. She said she knew she needed to open up BUT also commented than in all our years together I never opened up to her. I never knew she felt this way.
I got to express how important I knew validation was now and she actually broke down crying saying that validation was something she never got from her family or anyone else and she really needed it. There were lots of hugs around now.
She also touched on how everyone has always told her that she's a people pleaser and how she really didn't want to be that anymore. This got a little tense because it was similar to the "bomb" convo where she said she needed to "do things for herself" but this time she stopped short of saying she couldn't do these things from within our marriage.
We talked about how it was important to make ourselves happy, and I even got to throw in some 5 Love Languages stuff and how I know she likes to receive gifts. She commented that I have somehow been able to get just the right things lately, like the VS stuff and the flowers I buy every couple of days. I told her how I was a physical touch and then asked her "What do you think I want most from you physically right now?" She paused, I think not sure what I meant because it was so obvious. "Do you think I want sex most of all?" I asked to be more direct. She said "Yes, of course." I said "no, I really would love to just kiss you" I went on to talk about how we never really kiss and that I had intimacy issues I needed to deal with but that if we did get our marriage back on track, I would like to change the way we are intimate and our overall affection level. I also addressed the fact that she never touches me. From there I told her that I remembered how she once told me that she gave all she had to this old BF who ended up cheating on her and how she was holding back ever since, with me too. I told her how much that hurt and that I needed more from her.
At the end of all this she said the most wonderful thing.
W: You know, over the last few months, it's like you've done a 180 (I swear to God she used those exact words...a grin crossed my face). I like, LOVE you now even more than when we got married.
M: Well, thank you. I feel like I am a much better man than I was back then too.
I don't really know how we got into the next stuff. Basically, I think she just launched into it...
I am not going to try to remember the outline of the convo but she started by saying that "someone got physical with her today" and started to break down. I comforted her, told her that of course I wanted to DO something to him, etc.
She went on to tell me that she's been trying to break things off with this guy for some time now. She said at first he was ok with that, then he started to get obsessive. She actually slipped and used his name. It was the name I thought it was. She said that she actually wasn't on the phone with GF when I came home but rather it was OM's brother whom she claims is trying to smooth things out. She said this guy is nice, has a family, etc. He says that OM has a history of crazy behavior and my W said it scares her. As I got more worried, she tried to downplay it. She then went into detail about what he did yesterday. Apparently she told him once and for all that it was over and she didn't want to see him anymore. He got in her face and pushed her down. This was in public, right in from on the resturant they ate lunch at.
She then, so that I understood why this was SO bad, started to describe him to me. I stopped her and confessed that I had seen him the day after the bomb drop. She was floored. She didn't get angry or anything but she was shocked. I told her how I saw them together and knew what kind of car he drove, etc. She asked me to describe him and when I did, I guess she believed me. What I described was a guy about 6'4" 280lb totally ripped muscle head guy. For the record, my W is about 5'4" 100lbs. Real tough guy to push her around.
She went on to say he has a lot of money and suggested she was concerned about his "connections" but again, downplayed that. He is Italian...great...
So we kept talking about this stuff for awhile. At some point she told me that she really needed to work on these issues because she was trying desperatly to get her marriage back. She said that she now realized how there are psycho people out there and she was totally devastated that she put herself, us, in this position.
One of the more disturbing things she said was that there were some things that happened (or rather that he did) that if I knew I would go "balistic". I have no idea if she means more violence or something sexual. I didn't pursue it much.
Anymore, she said how good she had it with me and how I would NEVER do these things to her. She said she wondered why I was still around through all this. I said it was a decision I had to make early on, to basically forgive her and then it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to stick by and watch all this happen.
Overall, we probably talked for about 3 hours. I was validating and NEVER judgmental. She commented on how she recognized that I was almost (lol) never defensive anymore and how easy it was to talk to me (thank you John Grey). I told her to just don't go to the gym (oh, he IS a trainer) and just avoid "their spots" for awhile. I told her that I was there for her and even though there were things that she wasn't telling me, she was not alone.
She was drinking and pretty far gone at the end of the night but was still open to me.
I am forgetting a lot, I know, but that is most of the important stuff. I will read over this in the morning and add whatever I forgot.
I would say that I got all the answers to my questions and I didn't even have to ask. I am now worried about my W but I guess I have to trust her a little bit to deal with this.
I am tired...time to take a break...
GH
P.S. She said this psycho asked many times to meet me! WTH...
