GH, Some observations. First, you don't know whether your W is back to seeing the OM. She may well be going out with friends and from what you've posted her requests seem reasonable. If there had never been an OM you would probably not have a problem with what she is doing.
So, instead of letting this weigh on your mind and stress you out maybe you should tell your W to have a good time and plan something with your kids. She is probably waiting for the old controlling GH to come back. I know you've said that she pays more attention to action than words. This is an opportunity to show her, and yourself, how much you've grown. She is allowed to have a life outside of you.
It also seems like you need to find some way of getting some of your needs met without it pushing her away. When she asks you if you're OK, perhaps you could still say yes, but say you've been under a little stress and could use a hug. It would satisfy your need for touch but not be sexual and scare her off.
As for a R talk, they always seem like they're going to go better than we think. Everyone's already beaten you over the head, but I'm going to add my two cents. Don't do it.
Finally, take some deep breaths. All of this DBing (and we really have to do it for the rest of our lives) can take a lot out of you.
