OkOk, first of all, you all flatter me too much. Of course I don't want you to stop but...
Thank you for your kindness.
Quote: 1) when in doubt, DON'T 2) DON'T
Yea, this is my usual philosophy. As usual, that is advice for you all...lol.
Quote: You are an amazing DBer
Thanks again for that. I don't know, I may not have failed but I don't really feel like a success either. Limbo will do that to you.
Quote: But now that I am on the outside, watching your sitch, I can see things Let your wife be. Let her BE. She will tell you when sitchs ready to talk. If you pursue her to seek reassurance, she will back track.
I have let her be and now she is either living with me, totally unsure of what she wants, with me paralyzed by ignorance not doing ANYTHING to "win her back" or she has pushed the A underground and has found a way to enjoy life with both of us. Sure, I KNOW there are other possibilities but those are two that take into account many variations.
My point is that she is clearly on some kind of fence and I have NO idea that what I am doing is doing anything to get her off it. Hell, maybe she's better off up there right now. There are just SO many unknowns.
But, ok, so let her be or she will backtrack. Backtrack to what? Going out at night? Um, she's about to start that back up again under the guise (or truth maybe) of going out with this GF of hers that she claims not to even like that much (BTW, OT, this woman IS that person in the office that wants desperatly to be your friend).
I HATE being THAT guy that is always paranoid about his W going out, but these days, I have little choice but to be. Now I DO have the choice how to react and how much energy to give to the obeseeive thoughts. Through DBing and my IC sessions, I have learned to stop obeseeive thoughts. Suppose that DBing is in order...
Let her be...we'll see. Probably.
Quote: What if she senses that YOU NEED A NIGHT TO YOURSELF, and she was giving you the gift of an evenig on your own (or at least without her), which you could plan for in advance. What will you do with this precious gift?
Well, I doubt this. First of all, my W knows this would not be somethig I would value since I have PLENTY of nights to myself as it is. Pretty much every night is "to myself" to some extent. When the kids go to bed, we may watch an hour of TV, and then I go upstairs for a few hours while she makes the kid's lunch, etc. I am going to a basketball game tonight so I already have this night to myself. Between day work, photo work and the time I spend upstairs, I have MORE than enough time to myself.
Also, if that is the case, then why all of a sudden does she say she's going out tomorrow night. That's the part that got me. Last night, when it was about April 18th, she wanted to give me all this notice but one day is enough notice in relation to tomorrow night? Huh? BTW, to add to my paranioa, one of her favorite bands happens to be playing locally that night. GOTTA STOP THIS... I HAVE TO!
Quote: Thank her for giving you advance notice. Thank her for her consideration, the free time. Acknowledge her for whatever. And no frickin' questions.
It is not free time for me to babysit, and since we famously don't have a babysitter...
Ok, no questions...I'll try...
Quote: OK, my two cents. You're the greatesOk I always learn from you
I don't feel like it right now...and I wish I could learn from me...
She CAN drive...she has a temporary licence...DUI not that long ago. There is a lot about that buried somewhere in my threads. That is totally relevant BTW.
Grasshopper, I am unaware of PL's sitch but I do like her advice as I am going to take it as well.
Quote: 1) When in doubt, DON'T 2) DON'T
You are an amazing DBer, and you have been hanging in there when I might have failed, for months. But now that I am on the outside, watching your sitch, I can see things Let your wife be. Let her BE. She will tell you when she is ready to talk. If you pursue her to seek reassurance, she will back track. I am sure. I know you said you think you might be able to ask her about the R in a neutral way with no expectations. Well, then why do it at all?
This is where I also have problems. I do need reassurance that things are going in a positive direction. This I believe is my selfish, childish, insecure self. I think we are alot alike in the fact that we are overly obsessive (obviously, by looking at the amount of time we both spend on this board - lol). This is all we think about. We need that mental stop sign. Let's just let things BE, for a while. If and when our spouses are ready to have a R talk let it be on their terms, when they are ready. Let them be the one's obsessing over what to say for a change, let them approach us. We are carrying the weight of this R all on our shoulders and it is making us insane. Let's make a deal that we both keep our mouths shut, just for the weekend, then come Monday morning we'll try to make another deal. Sound ok with you?
Quote: This is all we think about. We need that mental stop sign. Let's just let things BE, for a while. If and when our spouses are ready to have a R talk let it be on their terms, when they are ready. Let them be the one's obsessing over what to say for a change, let them approach us. We are carrying the weight of this R all on our shoulders and it is making us insane. Let's make a deal that we both keep our mouths shut, just for the weekend, then come Monday morning we'll try to make another deal. Sound ok with you?
Well, I have to disagree a little. I am here because I have nothing better to do at work all day. We are slow again. Yes, I DO think about it while posting, and thinking about posting, but the minutes (lol) that I am not actually looking at this page, I am thinking about all kinds of other things. I think thinking in general is my problem...will have to give that some thought, lol.
As for your deal, well, that's easy since I usually don't post much at all over the weekends...Oh, you mean to our S's...well, I don't know if I can do that. I am 90% sure I am not going to spill the beans but there is some part of me that is still clinging to the idea of talking. That has never happened before. Usually I can come here, vent, and get over it. This time there is that little voice telling me to just do it. I doubt I will talk to her, but I have not given up the idea yet. I am still open to coercion, lol.
Oh, and BTW, I am not at ALL convinced my W would EVER talk about this if she didn't have to. I have said this in the past and I'll say it again, and if we are going to have a R in the future, I need her to open up a bit more.
Quote: Oh, and BTW, I am not at ALL convinced my W would EVER talk about this if she didn't have to. I have said this in the past and I'll say it again, and if we are going to have a R in the future, I need her to open up a bit more.
I think you have your own answer right there, GH. Read again what you wrote. "I need her to open up a bit more". I'd say that says it all....she's not opened up - YET.
Okay, let me twist your arm a bit then. lol. Look, obviously you are going to do what you feel is right for you and, as I have said in the past, I don't think it necessarily is a bad thing to state your feelings in a very open and direct manner to her. I guess the point is, don't go looking for answers, just open up, be honest and let it go from there. If she feels like taking it a step further, she will. If not, its best to jump ship on the convo and re-assess. The distinction here is that I don't think you should go into it with a mind of seeking reassurances from her. Its likely you won't get them and you'll only spiral downward.
I understand you when you say that its not likely that she will ever broach the subject herself. Like my W, this just isn't their thing. But, when the time is right, she WILL likely be resonsive to your thoughts and feelings and will open up in response to you.
Good luck to you in any choice of action you decide upon. I'm hoping that your weekend goes well and look forward to your posts on Monday!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Can't help but to comment that I too have had this strange fascination with my horoscope lately. I think it is really normal to try to find something encouraging that is external to us when everything is so uncertain. Ironically, this is exactly what our spouses, especially the MLCers, are doing - looking for happiness and fullfillment externally because they can't understand that it lies within them Hopefully this strange superstition is the only thing we catch from them right now. e
