Aww, GH, I would like to slap you but it be a bit of the ol' pot calling the kettle black.
I guess the thing is, what exactly is it that you hope to achieve here? I think its okay to at least ask the question in a direct way, but recognize that you may not get the answers that you want or need. I say this from my own experience when I thought things were going much better and I asked the same question that you just posed. Basically, I got no answers beyond the fact that she was still confused, etc, which led me right back to step one. I guess I'm telling you this just to make you aware that at this point, be careful what you are asking for.
I agree completely with Mama on this one....GH, I think we have established that you and I are alike in many respects and I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I have been making. Typically when something like this comes up, I have too much of a tendency to jump in with both feet as well. Sadly, it never ends well and only creates more friction.
Last edited by PArob; 04/07/0602:10 PM.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Ok, Mama and Rob, I left some things out of my last post and I will also respond to you both.
The whole reason I brought up the "friend" W is going out with is that since W can't drive, this friend will have to pick W up at our house. That's why I am trying to figure out what this GF is all about. I suppose like everything else, it doesn't matter because I am back to being fixated on the A and OM and all the things I cannot control.
Quote: I guess the thing is, what exactly is it that you hope to achieve here? I think its okay to at least ask the question in a direct way, but recognize that you may not get the answers that you want or need.
Even as recently as last night I would NOT have been ok with answers I didn't like. Today, I feel like I want to ask the question in a completely open, non-leading way and see what she does. I am looking for an answer that will clue me in to what the next step is, if any for me. I fully realize that she will likely give me more "I don't know"'s and "I am not sure what I want". The reason I think I am ready to hear that (not that I want to mind you) is that I am perceiving her actions as being those of some one working back towards a relationship with me. If she cannot even SAY that is what she is doing, then I am probably wrong about that. IF she says she is still confused, then I will probably ask her what wearing the ring means to her.
Of course, she COULD decide that now as good as any to tell me the REAL truth and drop more bombs. I can't say I am ready for that, but I am as ready as I will ever be if only because I think this sitch needs a nudge in one direction or another.
Quote: Typically when something like this comes up, I have too much of a tendency to jump in with both feet as well. Sadly, it never ends well and only creates more friction.
Rob, I agree 100% which is why I STILL am not sure I want to go through with this. What I am sure of is that this emotional brinkmanship is getting old. I get right to where I am ready to talk to her and then back down, pulling all my thoughts and feelings back in. I think that process is poisoning me and is the cause of my recent problems. I either need to talk or not and if I decide not to, it has to be for a really good, easily remembered reason so I don't keep THINKING about talking all the time.
GH, what do you hope to gain by asking her? In my situation I want reassurances. I didn't really get any and I put more friction and pressure on the situation.
It sounds like the controlling GH is under the surface trying to come out. Right now, take her for her word. If she said she is going out, then she is going out. Do not start speculating and letting your paranoia control you.
Of course, you can do what you want but be prepared for things you don't want to hear, like more lies.
Quote: My C had told me to wear a rubberband around my wrist - when I get the urge to talk about our R I need to snap the rubberband and say to myself "If I try to fix it, I will make it worse" (Cognitive therapy).
I think all C's have stock in rubberband companies or something. My C said the same thing. Lost mine awhile ago, lol.
I agree if we are initiating talk to try to fix something, then it's wrong. If we initiate it to directly, and honestly express feelings, OR more importantly, LISTEN to our spouses, then not so bad.
Quote:
Again, this sounds like more of us controlling the situation. This is not just about us. This is also extremely hard on our spouses as well, but I know I am acting like I am the only one hurting and not considering how my H must be feeling. Like I said in my post, I need to back off as when I do, things are much calmer. My H needs to work out his own problems and issues and I have to let him do that on his own timetable, not mine.
I know it's hard on my W. I want to back off, but I have been "back" for over 4 months now and I am thinking it's time to move forward for a change. I know my W needs to work on her issues but I don't see her doing that with me, OR with herself (best way). I am now suspicious that she is continuing to "work" on things with OM but she has taken it FAR underground from where it used to be.
I guess my other option, IF I am just trying to confirm the OM's continued role in W's life is to once again snoop and look at her phone, something I constantly argue agaist in other people's sitch. Don't think I will be doing that but as wacked as I am right now...
Quote: It sounds like the controlling GH is under the surface trying to come out. Right now, take her for her word. If she said she is going out, then she is going out. Do not start speculating and letting your paranoia control you.
Mama, thanks for that. That DOES sound like how I was approaching this for the longest time. What changed? Well, she stopped going out. Now that she is, I am bypassing all the good DB stuff and going back to my OLD ways without passing go or collecting $200. I have posted many a time that I believe the BEST DBing happens when it is least needed, lol. What I mean is that it's no coincidence that I have been doing GREAT for a few weeks. Duh, she bought a ring, seemed to stop seeing OM and the picture was all good. DB was EASY then. NOW, that suspicions are creeping back in, I have to REALLY be the good little DB man some people think I am.
I will consider all of this. I still think my goals in this are not controlling so much as they are centered around the idea that I already know what I THINK the status is of our R based on the ring, etc and ANYTHING she says or doesn't say will either confirm that or let me know what she is thinking. I just don't want to proceed based on mind reading. IF she is still confused, with OM, whatever, then I know FULL DB should be in effect. If she says she is trying but still having trouble for some reason, and wants me to try too, then I know the rules (not that I think there are any) have changed and I should step up the romance. I DON'T have a plan for whatever she says. I frankly have not given it that much thought. I have been too busy thinking what one question I want to ask, and how to ask it.
I guess I just want answers and I know I may not get them, even after all that...I know...I know...I know.
GH, I can honestly say that a few of us are all in the same boat, we've been here about the same amount of time and we are now all at the same stage where we want to tell our spouse's to (pardon my french) $#^t or get of the pot. We are all tired of this and just want it to be over.
I think whenever we feel the urge to control the situation or our spouse we need to hop back on this board and get our daily (or hourly) kick in the pants.
Man, I feel for you right now. I know EXACTLY what you are going through and it is extremely tough. I struggle with this stuff almost daily because I have no clear direction of where things stand and I wonder whether OM is still int he picture, whether he isn't, whether she feels good about the future, whether she doesn't, etc., etc. The fact is, and to be blunt, I believe that she has no frickin' clue about any of it. And if she doesn't know, then how the heck can she tell me?
You may need to think about it in these terms. Maybe the OM is out of the picture or mostly out of the picture, maybe he's not. Is knowing either was going to change how you think about things? I recognize that you want direction, but you likely won't get it now. Everything is still in a state of flux at this point. I do believe that it is perfectly valid for you to state your feelings and I support that. I just am concerned that you may be seeking some reassurances here that may or may not be forthcoming.
By the way, I had to chuckle when you mentioned that you are an excellent DB'er when things are going relatively well....it reminds me of a post you made to my thread one time that went something along the lines of "I'm gonna DB until she does something to p*ss me off, then the gloves are off!"
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: we are now all at the same stage where we want to tell our spouse's to (pardon my french) $#^t or get of the pot
Hmm, I don't think that's French......
But you are so dead on Mama, I do hear myself repeating that phrase (in my head of course) to my W. At this point, a clear direction would be welcome instead of the cat and mouse game.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
