Posting to Mama, I realized that I wanted to post a little more about this struggle I am having with that to say, and whether to, or when to talk to my W.
Last night was the first night in a LONG time where there wasn't really anything going on. No massive cleaning to do, no work for me, no in-laws, no TV, really nothing. So it seemed like it would be the PERFECT time to talk. Too bad it didn't happen.
Strangely enough, the reason seemed not to be fear, but really I could not think of WHAT to say to her. I couldn't think of a way not to sound negative. I couldn't be sure I would say the things I wanted to say, and listen the way I wanted to listen so I just refrained. I don't know how I feel about this lack of convo.
Part of me feels good not to have launched into something that I was not prepared for, and another part of me thinks that I missed a great opportunity. I guess if I had to choose one, it would be the good feeling.
What I want to guard against is waiting just because I don't think I can CONTROL the conversation. I don't think that's why I am waiting but it is a reason I would wait if I was the "old" me. I hope I am waiting because I think the opposite is true and that I seem to only be thinking of things to say that will sound controlling and condescending and I don't want to come off that way.
My C, OT, and others have given me scripts so-to-speak so I really lack for an excuse. I was just in a position last night that I am rarely in...I was at a loss for words, or the right ones anyway.
I need to work on deciding what is MOST important to me to say, then decide on the best way to say it, and have that ready when another opportunity presents itself but NOT go beyond that to try to script out the whole conversation. For me, that would be an accomplishment.
Or hey, maybe I just need to work on overcoming my fears, expressing my feelings in a direct way, when I feel them.
