I feel another lockout coming on...lol. I think I am out to set a record for most prolific thread maker...
So last night was another one of "those" nights for me. They are coming more often. I cried a bit for no real reason yet for the most part I was ok. I was in a "mood" for the better part of the afternoon/evening to the point where W asked if I was ok. This was while the kids were still up so I didn't need to respond, or didn't want to anyway. I just gave the "yea, I'm fine" standard answer. I wonder if I am doing this to get attention like my 5 year old does? I would hate to think that but I can't explain it many other ways. It could be that I am holding so much in right now but hey, what else is new these days.
What I think is starting to happen is that I am getting more and more frustrated with this status quo and feel increasing pressure to DO something. Problem is that I am not entirely sure that DOING something is appropriate right now. I'm not sure SAYING anything is right either. The fact is that things SEEM to be progressing but at a pace that feels like stillness to me.
I am determined not to be paralyzed by either fear or indecision. Right now BOTH are prevalent in my life and it's causing me to get off track with DBing and life in general. I don't like it and I am working to overcome both. I am making progress but it's slow. I really think this "eye of the storm" period my R has been in has affected me by making me content, or at the very least it has made me afraid of going back to the turmoil and pain of the recent past. Of course, I know being content to live in a similar situation that lead to where we are now is a VERY stupid thing to be, and since I am NOT stupid, I will eventually find a way out of my contentment.
I think above all this, or maybe lurking just below it I don't know which, is my ultimate fear that everything I have bought into, and despite my knowing better, I really have bought into them, the ring, the back rubs, her not going out, the better communication, etc, is one big deception designed to keep me at bay and, well, content.
IF it is all a giant lie, then it has worked pretty well. If it is not a lie, the the truth is not powerful enough yet to overcome my paranoia.
These are trying days but still, I am the judge, prosecutor, defender and jury. Gotta stop living in the courtroom of my mind...
