Quote: I'm glad my thoughts can be of help. Along the sexual side of things, I've been thinking you and your W might benefit from taking the quiz in the Five Languages of Love
Well, this would fall under my W's total disdain for anything "self help" related. She hates it, she really does. So getting her to take this kind of quiz, ESPECIALLY now. I really wish she would give this kind of thing a chance but she is SO convinced that she doesn't need any help and these tests and such are tools of fools. To each his/her own I guess. I sometimes wonder what she thinks of me reading the books (not that I leave them laying around but she knows), going to my IC and being on this board. I know she SAYS she respects my decisions in these matters but I really wonder. No real worries though. I do it for me, not her.
In the end, even if my W would take this test, now would not be the time. She isn't even ready to admit that I am the one she would have a "love conversation" with so us knowing our respective languages would not mean anything...yet. I have taken the test and physical touch is FAR and away my language. I have also taken it from what I think would be her perspective (dangerous I know because if I really KNEW her language, well...) and she was Receiving Gifts (or whatever that one is).
Quote: At the top of my H's list is physical touch while I value quality time. Not understanding this about each other probably led to problems between us. He didn't understand I wasn't trying to keep him from his friends, I just wanted to spend time with him. And I didn't understand he didn't just want sex, he wanted to be close to me.
So, my as physical touch and married to a woman who seems to not enjoy touching me for whatever reason probably caused problems I was even unaware of. My W being (I think) someone who likes gifts and me having stopped that practice of little romantic, or otherwise, gift giving years ago didn't help matters. I know my W feels that the only reason I want her to touch me, or I want to touch her is for sex. I think she is right to think that because in the past, it usually only happened in the bedroom and DID lead to sex. It's only now that I have discovered things about myself that I realize that all along I wanted more than just sex.
Quote: Perhaps this is too much info, but, for a long time I felt like my only value to my H was for sex.
No, I appreciate this because I know my W may feel the same way. Anything I can use to understand my sitch better is all good to me!
Quote: Recently as my H and I have been able to really talk about things, he told me that what I thought was really the opposite of the truth. He said. "I wanted to have sex with you because I loved you so much."
I can't wait to get to that place where I can say those kinds of things to my W and it MEANS something to her. Right now it seems like anything I say is just perceived as a ploy to get her back. That's why I am so hesitant (well, than and a healthy does of irrational fear that is) to initiate a R talk now. I really feel the same way as your H. To me, sex is ALL about love because in my M it is the only time my W expresses physical affection for me. Obviously being someone whose love language is physical touch, this time of physical affection is VERY important to me beyond the enjoyment of the act itself.
Quote: I can't tell you how much of an impact that had on me, combined with taking the love languages test. I'm not saying that your W feels as I did, but it can't hurt to take the test and explain the reasons behind your wanting sex with her. (Besides the obvious )
As I said, I hope to get to that point, and really, now that I think about it, this expression may be one of the first things I say to her on the matter. I don't think the time is quite right for THAT conversation but I will queue it up and make sure when the opportunity is there, I tell her. I don't know what, if any impact it will have on her but I do understand it's importance.
Quote: Oh, and have you read "Make Up Don't Break Up." It has some good strategies for fighting fair, validating and getting your opinion/feelings across. It's good you are learning to pick your battles (it's something I'm learning too) but it's not good to bottle in your frustrations. That is how some of us got here to begin with.
No, I have not read that book. As much as I am on the internet, I don't shop here much and it seems like Amazon is the only place to get that book. Neither my library nor local book stores carry it. I suppose I will have to break down and order it.
As for bottling in my frustrations/feelings, I do think that is becoming a problem for me. As I will post in my journal for today, I am getting emotional again and it's due to keeping a lot of stuff in. I know it needs to get out.
