That's not to say that you should keep "sweeping it under the carpet," in time you will have to determine whether her inability or unwillingness to actively talk about the sitch is something that you can live with.
Yes, this is something I have to determine. Lately I have been getting impatient with this, however, I DON'T want to start THAT conversation because of impatience, anger or any other negative emotion. I want to start it because I am ready to be honest and think she may be honest with me, the goal being the beginning of a more open communication between us from that point forward.
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Journaling...and I will apologize in advance for being all over the place. These are confusing times.
Yesterday afternoon saw some down moments for me. Like I said yesterday in my posts, I am exhausted from all this and I suppose my recharging didn't happen soon enough. I started to spiral into anger and anxiety all afternoon. I don't think anyone noticed much. W made a comment later in the evening that I was sighing and such a lot. She asked if everything was ok, but since she was slammed busy with preparations for the kid's Easter stuff at school today, I decided not to get into it then. THAT was not the time. Too much stress and she was tired. Never a good time to talk. So, I said yes, I was fine and moved on. From that point it was fine, or at least mind over matter made it such. I just sucked it up and went on with life. Since there was no real reason I was upset other than my over-active mind, I decided to just let it go. As I will discuss later, I think it is important for me to identify when I upset myself, and when my W upsets me. This time I upset myself.
BTW, this idea of not only choosing my battles (so-to-speak) but choosing the WHEN and WHERE of the battles has been VERY important to my progress in all this. Before I would just start talking about things whenever and wherever, never really noticing that certain times and places seemed to be when we had all our arguments. Now I am much more aware of what is going on and where the "bad places" are to talk to my W. Since I have been more cognizant of this, I have been able to talk to W about things that used to become arguments and they have not escalated. I can't say that's the entire reason, but it really does help not to attempt heavy conversation when W is already stressed and busy when I don't have to. Of course sometimes things just need to be addressed immediately. For all other talk, there is a time and place.
So, after helping a bit with the Easter stuff and watching some TV with my W, I went upstairs and had a good workout then relaxed for awhile before going back down and helping W with the Easter stuff at the end of the night (it took her from 8:00 to past midnight to get it all done). By then I was able to be pleasant but not too much so.
I think what happened earlier in the evening, when my frustration/anger/sadness peaked is that I realized that I needed to detach more (well, I realized this earlier in the day too) and by the end of the night I did. I did not wait up for her to come to bed, nor did I hang around after my part of the Easter prep was done. I would have done these things in the past, and even recently as I was slipping back into the "old" me. I felt better getting back to a somewhat detached, more distant place.
It's really hard right now because even though I said I didn't "feel" the presence of OM anymore, the fact that I suspect she wore his shirt to bed the other night and that things are TOO quiet on that front makes me anxious. I want to talk or act on the idea that things CAN progress with us, but like NM (I think it was her anyway) said, it sucks to think that the WAS are doing things simply to placate us and bide their time until either they make up their minds or whatever is preventing them (guilt, OM's marriage, etc) from going to the OM full time is gone. I don't really think this what my W is doing but then again, I have very little real knowledge of what she is doing anymore. I have lots of speculation. Sounds like it's getting to be time for that conversation.
The other thing that happened, and probably not coincidentally as you all would point out, is that as I withdrew somewhat, my W seemed to warm up a bit. It's hard to judge that when she was occupied all night but it was just the way she seemed cheerful when talking to me and the way she looked at me from time to time. We even had some playful banter when she asked if it was hot in the house or if it was just her. My standard response is "It's you honey, of course. You're always hot" meaning that I THINK she's hot. This time I said "No, it's just ME that's hot and about time you noticed." She laughed and said something to the effect that it was true. When we can have an easy going night like that, after all my internal stress from earlier in the day, it makes me second guess everything I was thinking. It makes me think that indeed, time IS going to allow a lot of the things I THINK I need to talk about to work themselves out. It left me at the end of the night, after I finally did get some decompression time, thinking that I can stand limbo for one more day...and maybe one more after that...
On a philosophical note, what I have been thinking about is this idea that OT keeps throwing out there about us LBS's not having compassion for the WAS and that at some point in our journey we develop that compassion as we begin to understand the negative feelings WE have towards our marriages and spouses but weren't acknowledging as we wallowed in our misery. I am beginning to understand how that works and why it is important. Now that I am TRULY becoming compassionate towards my W about all this, I can see the REAL work that is on the horizon, and that there are decisions I need to make about how and what I want things to be in my M. That doesn't mean I will not be angry, hurt, frustrated, etc. It just means that the final layers of self-pity are falling away and I think I can start to decide what I want, independent of all this pain I have inflicted on myself above and beyond what my W inflicted on me by walking away from our marriage and into the arms of someone else.
I wish I could say that I am really done with this process of wallowing but I cannot. I can only say that I am beginning to see it more clearly than before and am dealing with it better. I am NOT trying to deny feelings I have so long as they are feelings NOT generated by my own mind. I want to decide which of these feelings and thoughts are really something to work out with my W and which are constructs of my own, to be discarded. Once I figure out that, I think it will be time to talk.
The last thing I want to do is start talking and realize half way into it that I am merely spouting my paranoid suspicions and NOT my positive vision for a happy, passionate marriage that we can have in the future. Thank you again OT for that idea that this conversation does NOT have to be negative and my wanting a positive outcome, a great marriage with my W is NOT something I need to feel bad about, especially when relating it to my W.
