So sorry OT, didn't see this one...crossposting indeed!
Quote: Wow, do you need a shift of perspective here. First -- avoiding these issues is toxic.
Yes, I agree. I know I don't want to avoid these things for long, and even doing it now is dangerous.
Quote: Second, and more important, being in a place where you can share your vision of a bright, passionate, strong M with your W should be hopeful and exciting!!! It should be a loving process that you go through together.
Very interesting. I hadn't thought of it this way.
Quote: You seem to have in your head that you'll be taking on the role of a chastising parent about to put your kid on restriction if you are honest about wanting, even insisting, on a better R for both of you. What are you going to do? Sit her down at the dining room table and tell her you need to have a talk with her while she sits and listens to your lecture with eyes downcast?
Pretty much yea. I may kid a bit, but really, I thought it may go something like that. You are 100% correct about this stemming from my belief that I was the only one working on this R. I need to stop that, eh? I truly hope when we talk, it will be an open, honest two-way discussion but as I described to my C, my W seems totally against that. It is one reason why I have not brought up the subject with her because I have good reason to believe that she would just shut down again like she did last week (or was that two weeks ago). It was my C that said that in that case, if my W didn't want to talk, then maybe could simply express how I felt and my "vision" as you say. I am glad you painted that picture for me of the parent lecturing a child because I think I was in danger of coming off like that. Ouch. Gotta work on that too.
Quote: What if you took her on a romantic dinner where you could have some privacy and really talked from the heart about what you want for yourself and for your R? What if you told her about the dreams you have for a life together? What if you asked her about her dreams? What if you shared your pain about OM and sincerely asked for her help in healing? What if you asked her to share her pain with you? That is, what if you took real emotional risk and opened your heart to her in a loving way? There would no doubt be joy and sadness. There would also be a deepening of emotional intimacy and trust. The seed of hope for a bright future in which you to partner together to achieve shared dreams would be planted.
I really think this is possible in the near future. It's just so hard because any attempt by me to bring up "us" or the OM or anything about our M is shut down. My C says from what she's heard, that my W is just not a talker, or if she was, my years of defensive and controlling response to her communicating painful things to me killed that part of her. C thinks it may take some more time with me as the "validater" for W to really trust me in that role. Again, another reason to wait, just a little while more. I see W opening up bit by bit.
Quote: It is not punishing to want a wonderful life with your W. Quit thinking of it as such.
What a great statement. Thank you for that. It really puts a new, albeit obvious, spin on things for me.
