Thanks OT. Fear, or really the admission of it is something I think I am getting from my IC sessions. I never really thought much about what I was afraid of, but I surely was afraid.
Now I am fighting those fears and as you say, plowing through them. It's hard work and I can't claim I am doing great, but I am making progress and that is something I don't think I can say I have done in my 35 previous years on this planet.
What I fear most right now is the same old thing that I feel played as much a part in killing my marriage as anything; rejection. I fear the ultimate rejection of her leaving me, and the minor daily rejection of her turning away my romantic advances. I fear her rejecting my words when I try to talk to her about all this. The good news is that I have found in DB/DR, through your words, and the words of others here over the past few months, the will to rise above living for what she MAY do or say. That will is enabling me to contemplate doing and saying what I feel, not without compassion, but without fear of her response. I DO care if what I say will hurt her but I am prepared to deal with that pain as a necessary result of this process, just as I consider MY pain necessary to have kick started my growth. What is still holding me back is the fear of MY pain. I should be used to it by now but having a few weeks of relatively pain free living has been nice. I fear my words and actions bringing back the heartache and it's THAT fear I have to overcome if I am going to be able to even get into the ring with the others.
Thank you for the inspiration.
GH
P.S. On NM's thread you said my W had made a commitment to a long lasting R with me, or something like that. I don't know if that's true or not. She is wearing a ring which she started wearing without explanation or fanfare and she said recently while laying on the couch upset "I'm working towards getting back to us, you have to give me that." I don't know if that constitutes a commitment or not. It is one of the great unknowns of my sitch, and one that I need to get answered one way or another.
