Quote: As you feel more secure and less panicked, you'll get more honest about your own happiness, present and past, your own needs and desires. This is an incredibly painful and sad process to go through.
OT, I really love the way you can break these things down with just the right amout of forcefullness to get it through my thick skull. Thank you so much. Yes, this is a painful and sad process, but also one filled with the joy of discovering somethings about yourself you never knew and that can be very powerful and positive.
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The problem with this uneven growth becomes very apparent with reconcilliation. The WAS really hasn't gotten anywhere, whereas the LBS has. The couple is no longer matched in terms of emotional maturity or R skills.
I see this now. It's really aparent that my W is mired in self doubt and has NO idea how to make herself happy right now.
Quote: On the one hand, finally getting how bad the M was for oneself and the deep feelings of sadness and hopelessness that come with that can give the LBS more empathy for the WAS. On the other hand, it also presents the challenge of having to choose whether to insist that your new R be the kind of partnership you want or instead going with the flow and most likely becoming a WAS yourself a few years down the road.
Quote: Basically, W has to do the work you did when you were a LBS, and you have to do the work she did when she was a WAS. You are coming out of denial about just how bad things were for you. WAS got how bad things were for her long ago. WAS needs to get how much she was part of the problem. You got how much you were part of the problem long ago.
Yes, yes, yes. I fear this as well. I AM starting to see what was wrong in our M, and NOT just from her perspective, which I was able to grasp early on, but from MY perspective. I always THOUGHT our marriage was great. It wasn't until now, having gone through this and learning to care for myself in ways I never understood before, that I see how I was unhappy, even when smiling every day. I IS a challenge to do what you say and make that demand that things change. This I know.
Quote: I can't imagine that your W wants the old R.
My C said the same thing but I told her this; the old R, or the part that was totally unsatisfactory to my W and in her words, pushed her out, was filled with anger and misery on my part. I just let myself go in terms of making sure I did what I needed to do to be happy, and thus I made everyone around me, kids, W, co-workers, etc, pull back from me. I see this SO clearly now. So, with that negative stuff removed (it truly has been) our previous R SURELY needed work, but my W may, and I stress MAY be ok living with it. I am NOT saying she should be ok with it, just that she could be. I am ok with it as well with some specific modifications which actually makes it different...lol.
Quote: Is she really going to want to voice her discontent with that after you took her back even though she cheated on you? The hopelessness is probably creeping back into her outlook. Even *after* all that has happened, things just remain the same -- nothing will change -- an H who won't stand up for himself, a passionless M, someone she lives with that she resents for being away because when he is there she never gets what she needs from him. I wouldn't be surprised if in her own mind a plan is starting to develop on how to leave after the kids go away to school. I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't started to have vague thoughts about such things yourself. If not, give yourself another 6 months this way and I bet you'll have them.
Wow. No, she likely isn't going to voice her discontent. Good point, and the ideas are probably creeping as we speak. I do need to make a stand, define what I want out of this marriage and make a REAL attempt at moving forward so I DON'T have the same WAS thoughts later on.
A question for you on this. Do I simply, as my C says, state how I feel and what I want, or so I also convey my understanding of what was wrong with our R so she knows I am trying not to make the same mistakes again?
Quote: BTW, it is great that you are recognizing passion as a need of Ws that you aren't meeting. I've mentioned this before, and your reply is that your W knows you want her. It is a huge step from there to where you are now. Congratulations, I'm sure it was painful to get there and it took a lot of strength and courage.
It was painful, and continues to be because I FEEL passionate about her but I don't know how to express that, especially right now when it may not even be appropriate to do so. My work in this area is continuing with my C.
Quote: Oh, and one related thing, if everyday you make an effort to make your W feel special, appreciated, considered, and desired, I expect she will feel less resentful of your time away.
Bring her coffee in bed, thank her for taking care of one of those "little chores" that are a real hassle that you never have to deal with, buy her something that shows you were on her mind (this can be *very* small) or tell her something reminded you of her during the day or you saw something she might like, look at her with open lust in your eyes and an "mmmmmmm."
Funny, I DO ALL those things daily. Mind you, I only started doing it AGAIN recently as things started to look up in my sitch, but it was the lack of these "little" things that was REALLY missing from my M. I know my W appreciates them and I have made sure that not a day goes by where I don't show her my appreciation and love. Of course I would do much more, but in the current state of the R, I feel I do enough. Oh, and she still seems annoyed at the "mmmmmmmm" part, lol.
