I just found this after submitting my megalong post to you. So, a bit of crossposting...
I know what has to be done it's just that with so much positive stuff going on, it makes it all the more difficult to bring the up subjects that will at once bring the A, OM and my W's feelings back to the forefront where they have not been in awhile. I suppose that is a good thing in a lot of ways because it DOES need to be dealt with.
Wow, do you need a shift of perspective here. First -- avoiding these issues is toxic.
Second, and more important, being in a place where you can share your vision of a bright, passionate, strong M with your W should be hopeful and exciting!!! It should be a loving process that you go through together.
You seem to have in your head that you'll be taking on the role of a chastising parent about to put your kid on restriction if you are honest about wanting, even insisting, on a better R for both of you. What are you going to do? Sit her down at the dining room table and tell her you need to have a talk with her while she sits and listens to your lecture with eyes downcast?
My guess is that this is an artifact of you deciding that you alone are in charge of fixing and running the R.
What if you took her on a romantic dinner where you could have some privacy and really talked from the heart about what you want for yourself and for your R? What if you told her about the dreams you have for a life together? What if you asked her about her dreams? What if you shared your pain about OM and sincerely asked for her help in healing? What if you asked her to share her pain with you? That is, what if you took real emotional risk and opened your heart to her in a loving way? There would no doubt be joy and sadness. There would also be a deepening of emotional intimacy and trust. The seed of hope for a bright future in which you to partner together to achieve shared dreams would be planted.
It is not punishing to want a wonderful life with your W. Quit thinking of it as such.
