As you feel more secure and less panicked, you'll get more honest about your own happiness, present and past, your own needs and desires. This is an incredibly painful and sad process to go through.
I actually disagree with Rob about the LBS being the one who is willing to do the work where the WAS won't. I think the LBS and the WAS are pretty darn close together — both live in an M that is not working and living a very painful existence. It is pretty much luck of the draw who breaks first.
The LBS then *becomes* someone who will really look at themselves and do the work because of the immense trauma of losing a loved one. The WAS does not experience this shock to the system because they don't experience the loss. Typically, they know that the LBS is still there for them.
The problem with this uneven growth becomes very apparent with reconcilliation. The WAS really hasn't gotten anywhere, whereas the LBS has. The couple is no longer matched in terms of emotional maturity or R skills.
Meantime, the LBS is calming down and starting to "get" what drove the WAS away in the first place. The LBS finally starts to see the miserable aspects of the old M, not for the WAS (the LBS has wallowed for months in self-pity about how miserable they made the WAS), but for themselves. On the one hand, finally getting how bad the M was for oneself and the deep feelings of sadness and hopelessness that come with that can give the LBS more empathy for the WAS. On the other hand, it also presents the challenge of having to choose whether to insist that your new R be the kind of partnership you want or instead going with the flow and most likely becoming a WAS yourself a few years down the road.
Basically, W has to do the work you did when you were a LBS, and you have to do the work she did when she was a WAS. You are coming out of denial about just how bad things were for you. WAS got how bad things were for her long ago. WAS needs to get how much she was part of the problem. You got how much you were part of the problem long ago.
You are hurting yourself, your W, and your M by not being straightforward about what you want in terms of a partnership and then working through compromise to a shared vision you both can live with and *want* to live with.
I can't imagine that your W wants the old R. She is probably reluctant to make any demands that you change the R because she feels guilty about the R. As far as *she* knows, you are fine with the status quo. You just keep going with the flow. Is she really going to want to voice her discontent with that after you took her back even though she cheated on you? The hopelessness is probably creeping back into her outlook. Even *after* all that has happened, things just remain the same -- nothing will change -- an H who won't stand up for himself, a passionless M, someone she lives with that she resents for being away because when he is there she never gets what she needs from him. I wouldn't be surprised if in her own mind a plan is starting to develop on how to leave after the kids go away to school. I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't started to have vague thoughts about such things yourself. If not, give yourself another 6 months this way and I bet you'll have them.
Get this: your W cheated on you. You were both miserable in your old R. Your W needs to make amends and work with you to rebuild trust and intimacy. You need to make your expectations for a new M that is DIFFERENT from the old M crystal clear, if for no other reason than to give you both hope that a wonderful life is possible. In a nutshell, you need to insist that your W step up to the plate now. Continuing to shoulder the burden of maintaining the R yourself is to stay firmly planted in the fixer role. You aren't even giving her any space to try to fix things with you. Instead, you are painting her into a corner in which she will always be the partner who doesn't care about improving the R and you have to do everything necessary to even keep it afloat. It is hubris to think you can do so. It is condescending to W to think you have to. It is chasing failure and pain for all in your family to continue to try.
BTW, it is great that you are recognizing passion as a need of Ws that you aren't meeting. I've mentioned this before, and your reply is that your W knows you want her. It is a huge step from there to where you are now. Congratulations, I'm sure it was painful to get there and it took a lot of strength and courage.
Oh, and one related thing, if everyday you make an effort to make your W feel special, appreciated, considered, and desired, I expect she will feel less resentful of your time away.
Bring her coffee in bed, thank her for taking care of one of those "little chores" that are a real hassle that you never have to deal with, buy her something that shows you were on her mind (this can be *very* small) or tell her something reminded you of her during the day or you saw something she might like, look at her with open lust in your eyes and an "mmmmmmm."
