Today I feel strange, just a little sad and melancholy. Really it started last night. It's just a feeling, and I guess it was brought on by these recurring thoughts that I DON'T want my old marriage back and it seems like my W is moving, or has already moved back to that. Sure, it's better than the alternative, FOR NOW, but long term, it can't be this way. Also, my W's continued coldness is taking it's toll on me but hell, I've lasted 10 years, why not another couple months...
I am starting to get a bit depressed thinking that I did all this work and now I am back to square -1, and in my mind, back on track to have everything happen all over again. I know, like I said to Rob yesterday (or someone anyway) that I can change things by virtue of MY changes it's just that I am not sure my changes are still in effect. I hope it's just a case where I am so used to the "new me" that it no longer takes the effort to maintain the changes and thus they are transparent to me. When I look at my life, and how I live it, I see the difference between now and then. What I don't like is that due to my W's semi-trying to "get back to us" I have fallen off in the GAL area, mainly due to her requests. For work reasons, I was gone much of Friday and Saturday but the rest of the time, I have been around the house, sometimes under-foot so to speak and I don't like that. It comes back to the age old issue in my M; my W seems to hate it when I am gone, but doesn't really seem to like me around too much either. Maybe it's simply finding a balance when I am around the house of not being around her too much OR too little. In the end, I can't worry about that too much. I am going to do what I want to do until such time comes where we are really working on our M because to do anything else doesn't make much sense right now and would be counterproductive.
As for my own happiness, I am MUCH happier than I was a year ago, 2 years ago, really, since the kids were born. I am slipping a bit there too though, yelling a tiny bit at the kids, but W is too, which doesn't excuse it but it doesn't make it all just me being angry. Overall though, I am a happy person these days. I don't really know if it honestly all comes from within (we all know that somehow, by some miracle we get happier when our WAS act nicer towards us...lol) but it feels like it does.
So my problem today is being too attached in a sense, but even that isn't quite right. I still live day-to-day without letting my W's emotions or moods pull me down. I have become very good at maintaining my own mood and just "being" for my sake. That has been the most dramatic shift for me since I was constantly matching my W's mood before and lived much of my life FOR HER. I don't do that anymore...for the most part. I just feel like the sitch is wearing on me again. The not knowing is getting to me. The desire to talk is welling up in me again, and while I know, thanks to my C and OT's advice, I can talk to W in a direct, rational way, I still don't really feel the time is right for that. Either that or I lack the necessary intestinal fortitude to do it...I hope it's the former.
I guess this is the limbo version of the roller coaster. It's more like a raft ride down a gently river with dips and bumps here and there. It's not the intensity of the ride that gets you, it's the monotony. That, and the thought that anywhere up ahead there could be extreme rapids and a deadly waterfall.
I guess it's time to get out the charts (DR) and try to figure out where I am so I can be best prepared for what's ahead. Surely some uncharted waters...
