Thanks Rob. I guess I will take that as a request of sorts and I will expand on what C/I said about my intimacy issues.
I said I still felt like my W was not open to intimacy with me for some reason. I told C that I felt that with the OM issue still hanging around I needed to get closure on that via a R talk and also air some of my concerns, etc about where we "are" right now. C immediately asked why I needed to TALK to my W, especially since we spent the first part of the session telling C how my W was NOT a verbal communicator and prefer ed actions to words. We reviewed all MY actions and changes illustrated by those actions and how they HAVE obviously registered with my W. I agreed...so back to the intimacy...
C suggested that my W will respect actions and RESPOND to them much better than words. I said I was afraid of taking action and was waiting for SOME sign from W that she was open to that. C said that W may never give me that sign if she is waiting for ME to initiate. C feels that W MAY think that her wearing the ring, saying she's trying, not seeing the OM at night, etc ARE W's way of communicating that she's open to "more".
I said I understood that but...C said but nothing. I just need to realize that there is many ways I could DO things, and not just kissing, hand holding, etc. I said I was already giving W little touches now and then, little hugs from behind when she was in the kitchen, etc. C said that was good and to use those moments, if W is open to them (which she seems to be most of the time) and expand on them. Hug a little longer next time. Add a little kiss on the neck after the hand on the shoulder, etc.
C stressed that when she counsels people on sexuality (which I suppose she is going to have to start doing with me soon, lol) one of the most important things she stresses is that BOTH partners understand that the goal of intimacy is NOT sexual intercourse.
I interjected and said in the interest of honesty, it WAS my goal right now after 6 months of not having sex. C said that was not true because she knows I have said repeatedly that I just want to kiss and hold my W and that I have learned to separate sexual desire from intimacy and that one does NOT necessarily lead to the other and vise-verse. I agreed.
So, she said that I needed to figure out what I wanted and then figure out how I would get that or even ask for it in the moment. C said this was really NOT the best way to do this because if I am thinking when the moment arrives, I will likely NOT DO what I need/want to do. Her point was that my W want passion and to feel desired, not to feel like there's a plan at work.
From there we moved on to address something I never really realized before. My W has ALWAYS seemed to enjoy intimacy with me when I seemed/was passionate. It seems like a no-brainer but since that passion was not the easiest thing for me to express, I just didn't express it much. The times I did...wow...it really made a difference for my W. I am not saying things were passionless, just that there is a difference between (C clarified this) sexual energy and passion/desire for your spouse. When I thought about this, I got scared again and said that to my C.
She asked why I was afraid of passion. I said I was afraid because I could be rejected and to be passionate like that, I was exposing emotions that were hard for me to expose. When I got shut down at those moments, I was very hurt and it made me not want to do it again. C just said I need to learn to feel comfortable with MY feelings and expressing them WITHOUT regard to how my W reacts. She said it's not the same as not caring about W's feelings but that I could learn to BE passionate and express it without getting bent if my W was not receptive. C said it didn't mean she didn't like/want the passion, just maybe not right then.
I thought about that and then somehow got on the idea about me not being able to "get her in the mood" and my overall feeling of being powerless to alter someone's mood/feeling/opinion.
The last thing we really touched on was my feeling that my W has ALWAYS seen intimacy from me to be an attempt at sex, and rightfully so because for our entire relationship it has been. C asked why that was. I just said I didn't know. She then asked why I was that way and explored some of how I first became sexually active, etc. Long story short, I never really developed my intimacy "skills" beyond the sexual realm for whatever reason. She sees me stuck in an adolescent state where I am shy and unsure of what to do when confronted with intimacy outside the bedroom. She is right on with that. We are going to work on that more, but for the time being I just wanted to figure out what I needed to do/say to my W to let her understand that I KNOW how she perceives my intimacy and she's right, but that I now understand what I have been missing and want to change.
C suggested that once again, I could use actions here rather than words and just SHOW her that I can be passionate towards her and not have it lead to sex. I told C I think I was working towards that and she said that was good.
That is the gist of our talk yesterday. Last summary for those of you taking notes...W likes to feel desired. I am afraid of expressing passion. I need to take initiative and be responsible for either acting or asking for what I want/need.
Hope that helps other than to air my dirty laundry so-to-speak...
GH
All in all, we didn't get real deep into the intimacy thing, just scratched the surface and touched on what seems to me to be the over-riding issues. First, that my W, considering her history of low-self esteem steming from a bad body image and her lack of initiation of affection, seems to need me to step up and initiate things. She MAY be waiting for me to step things up but no matter what, I need to understand that if/when things DO get back to where we are starting to be intimate, SEX should NOT be the goal right away. Since one of the things
