Quote: I really need to be careful that I don't do that. C thinks that W is already doing that and she is just trying to live our "old" life and in our "old" marriage. I suggested that it may be ok if SHE does that (or thinks she is anyway) since I have changed so much it can never really BE the same marriage no matter what she does. C agreed.
Interesting. This is kind of where I see things now in my sitch. My W has seemed to slip back into that mode of the "old" R and the "old" way of living and I've been trying to think of ways to address that. Obviously, in my mind, going back to the "old" way really isn't the answer. I really like your take on it, it really can never be the "old" way if you are effectuating changes in your R, despite, or in spite of, what your W may be feeling, acting, etc.
The other thing that struck me was the issue of intimacy and me not believing that I can do anything to make my W more affectionate towards me. On this issue, I think both her and I have issues related to esteem which really puts a damper on things, although throughout most of our R, I had more confidence and a slightly better positive self-image which would overcome her intimacy issues. Now that the confidence has been shaken and the self-esteem has taken a blow, I find it harder to initiate any intimacy. Perhpas this is something I need to work on.
I think your C is definitely on to some things here, fortunately through your posting we all can gain some counseling vicariously!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
