I had an IC session yesterday. It was more of the same. We spent most of the time discussing my intimacy issues and some ways I can deal with them. It was somewhat productive and basically I just need to DO something at this point. We also talked about my feeling that I had no way to influence people or change their mood. We didn't get that far with this conversation but she thought it was important and started to go to the "inner child" stuff to address it. I think this idea, as it relates to my intimacy issues, is an important one. It plays out in my M by me not thinking I can do anything to make my W affectionate towards me or influence her mood at all. I don't see myself as having that ability, which I clearly do but do not know how to use it. DB/DR address this as well early on when talking about how most people think they can push certain buttons to upset their spouse but then don't understand that they can also push buttons to make them feel other ways too. My C believes that my understanding of my personal power to affect people (NOT control them mind you), and my deserving of affection/gaining of self esteem are my core issues these days. She agrees that my R with my W has improved dramatically and the state of the affair should play no role in that. She is basically advocating a similar stance to DB/DR in just letting the thing die a slow death without my help.
So I go into this week really trying to focus once again on my needs, desires and happiness. I have been WAY too focused on R stuff lately and I think I am falling back into my old ways. I really need to be careful that I don't do that. C thinks that W is already doing that and she is just trying to live our "old" life and in our "old" marriage. I suggested that it may be ok if SHE does that (or thinks she is anyway) since I have changed so much it can never really BE the same marriage no matter what she does. C agreed.
As for the daily grind, nothing much different. My W came to bed last night smelling of perfume or something. I could SWEAR it was the same scent that was on the bear and t-shirts but I can't be sure so... I did ask her directly and without fanfare what perfume she was wearing and she just said it was the tank top she was wearing and that it was new/had "new shirt smell". I don't think that was a very good excuse but WTH, I got nothing better to go with. I asked, she answered so I was left with accepting her answer or calling her on it. At midnight...I was accepting and going to sleep. Live to suspect another day I say.
Today will be a good one. I finally have NO obligations in the afternoon/evening and can spend some time with the boys and just doing stuff around the house. It's the little things anymore that make me happy...
