Thanks for the response. Let me be clear; if I seemed to be suggesting that Harley's book or his articles published on his website gave the advice to "kick the bum out" I did not mean to. I have not read the book so I claim ignorance as to what it says compared to what he has on the site. I have read most everything he has on his site and so far as I know, he does not advocate such things. What I was referring to was my experience with the message board on his site AND a few others (I was not trying to mask ONLY talking about his site by saying there were more).
Like I said, from what I read the MAJOR departure in methods comes early on in the process when plan A calls for an immediate end to the affair and then specific steps towards reconciliation. It's that ultimatum/forcing of the issue part I didn't like too much because it seemed like my W's heart was not really in the A but my pushing it to end may change that. If I looked at it from a strategic point of view, forcing the issue at that point would NOT have been attacking the issue from a position of power. Michelle's philosophy enabled me to build myself up FIRST before even considering the A. Of course it's not possible to ignore the A, but when you are supposed to be concentrating on YOURSELF and not your W or OM, it makes it easier.
Maybe I missed the part about working on you, but it was the other stuff that turned me off and makes me leery of people mixing the two.
You know as well as I do that most places you look for advice, especially among lay-people like us, you will find lots of "tell her it's either you or him" or "force her out until she comes to her senses" etc. I know you did do that, and it may (I truly hope is does) work for you. You chose to do that because it was what YOU needed to do to remain sane. It may work for many people for the same reason, but the vast majority of people seem to think it was a mistake to force the issue before they had to. The way I think about it is that at any point one or the other of us can leave but once gone, it's a lot harder to come back.
Anyay, it just wasn't the path I wanted to take and thus I found DB to be an effective way for me to go about changing the things in my life I wanted to change.
As for the similarities between plan B and Michelle's After the Last Resort Technique, well, as you stated, and minimized somewhat, there are other steps, including the LRT itself you go through with DR that you don't with the Plan A then Plan B method. To me, and you since you pointed out that DR goes into more detail about steps to take, that is a major difference that shouldn't be taken lightly. Also, this 6 month time period seems a bit arbitrary to me. Sure, most experts place a 6 month to 2 year life span on an A but the advice to implement Plan B after 6 months is indicative of the idea that one size fits all I saw on that site...and others. I'm sure, and I truly mean this, that I could be wrong in feeling that way but that was the idea I got from what I read.
With DB, since the focus is NOT on the A, which I guess you're saying Harley's A & B are not either but from what I read they are, then it really doesn't matter if the WAS is at home, moved out, the A continues or not. You work on you, your part of the M's issues and give them the time & space to find their way back. Spefically reguarding my sitch, Michelle's book was the FIRST one I read that made ANY mention of what to do if the affair continues that didn't involve forcing an end to it. Does that mean I chose the plan that suited how I wanted to deal (or not deal) with things? Sure, I can admit that.
I felt a little strange posting that stuff because there ARE plenty of examples of folks here mixing and matching theories with GREAT success. You are probably one of those able to do that.
The thing I am worried about is that people fail to distinguish between what is right for them overall and what feels right at the moment and picking the philosophy that suites their whim and not their situation. I am as guilty of that as anybody but I did pick DB and have done my best to stick with it EVEN, and ESPECIALLY when it seemed really hard and unnatural to do.
After this I will not comment much more on this because I AM ignorant to some of the facts and don't want to speak out of place on things I am not informed enough on.
