Entering Limboland...GH Saga Part 8

[RBinBR]

Well, GH, I know that I'm partially your inspiration for this post, and I want to disagree with you somewhat, because Harley's and Michele's strategies for getting your WAS back are very similar and highly compatible.

Harley's Surviving An Affair advocates a Plan A to Plan B approach. Plan A basically involves waiting and meeting your S's needs as you work on yourself -- in other words, DB'ing! The reason that I have previously considered myself more of a DB person than a Harley person is because Michele goes into so much more detail about the process of what you do with yourself -- like 180's, GAL, "as if", etc. Harley focuses more on how you can meet the emotional needs of your S. His book has a lot of stuff similar to the 5 Love Languages book. Working on yourself and meeting your spouse's emotional needs are certainly not incompatible.

It's not fair to talk about Harley's advice in the same context as those who advise you to "kick the bum" out when you find out about an A.

Harley's Plan B, where you completely cut off all contact with the WAS, is remarkably similar to the "after the last resort" technique that Michele outlines on pages 218-219 of the paperback version of DR. Harley outlines it in more detail, but it's the same strategy. Michele only advocates it when you tried her other techniques and they haven't worked and you can't take it anymore, while Harley recommends that everyone go to Plan B after about six months of Plan A. Since Michele says (p. 151) that most affairs end within six months, both she and Harley recognize that most affairs will never need this technique. However, both Michele and Harley state that the technique can be effective and it involves much less stress for the LBS.

So I believe that Michele and Harley's techniques for getting your WAS back are very similar. I agree with you that the two of them have somewhat different strategies for what you do during reconciliation, but most of us on this board aren't at the reconciliation point yet (otherwise we'd be in the Piecing board). That's really a different phase for most of us (though your sitch is clearly different because there's no defined end to the A).