This is not a way for me to try to get a kickback from Michelle or anything but...IMHO...
I have seen a lot around here about so and so's books on this, that and the other thing. I think it's useful to realize that certain authors/experts DISAGREE on what the best way to handle this stuff is. Their plans are diametrically opposed and when tried in conjunction with one another, I believe they cause confusion and can even make things worse. For me personally, I had to just pick one (DB) and try best I can to actually follow through with it's plan. I think it's dangerous to jump from one theory to the next, like I see some people doing, simply because they think "well, this isn't working so let me try plan B, C or something totally different," without even giving their full effort or enough time to the plan they started with. In the case of DBing vs Harley/Plan A & B, you have one plan, DBing that calls for time, self growth, self focus, no pressure, no R talk and patience. The other calls for an immediate, forced end to an affair with all kinds of R talk and contracts put in place to try to force the WAS to comply with certain guidelines for reconciliation (so far as I understand it). These two methods are not compatible in my mind.
I think most of the ways we read about to handle our sitches CAN work but they are less effective when diluted by mixing them. I am ALL for reading as much as you can and plotting a course that is best for you. Sometimes that course DOES include bits and pieces from different theories but I believe it's important to be adopting them as part of your life strategy out of desire, not perceived need because you think what you are doing just isn't working soon enough or well enough. I would be less than truthful if I said I did not mix and match here and there but for the most part, I have found DBing to be the best comprehensive strategy for dealing with MY particular situation. Others may find it useful to follow other plans but then maybe it would be useful to also get/give advice from/to others who are also following those other theories.
I guess what I am saying is that I came to this board because it was free from the knee-jerk advice of "kick the b!tch out on her a$$" and other high brow stuff like that I recieved SEVERAL times on other boards for SEVERAL other people there. As I said to them then, and I will say now, if I wanted to set an ultimatum or try to throw someone out, I could have just done that on day one. I don't need a book or message board to tell me to do the thing that seemed most natural at the time. It takes strength and self-awareness to learn how to grow, set boundaries (not build walls or set ultimatums) and have patience/compassion for someone who has hurt you so badly. It goes against our FEELINGS to look within ourselves instead of at them, but I believe it is imperative we do so.
I spent a few days on other boards that centered around other books/theories and I found them to be abrasive and sometimes abusive, which to me told me all I needed to know about the people following those methods. Maybe that is unfair but I do know that in almost 4 months here I have not really had ONE incident of someone posting something that just seemed designed to pick a fight or insult me (OT, you don't count, lol). The people here are ALL trying to help and be helped and have created a safe environment for that to happen in, free from the chaos found elsewhere. There is mutual respect and lots of love to go around. To me, that just reinforces the books' ideals and has given me hope/reason to try even harder to put those ideals into practice. If all these good people are doing this, and it's bringing them success and happiness IN TIME, then it can't be that bad to give a serious go at, eh?
Again, sorry for the rant but I am just hoping that things stay as great around here as they have been during my time and the focus stays on doing the best DB job each of us can do.
GH
P.S. Michelle, email me for my address to send the check to...lol.
