"You know it really hurts me when you pull back like that."
Sounds great. Maybe better not to tell her what she knows... "Ouch! it really hurts me when you pull back like that."
Speaking directly about your feelings and desires is never tentative.
Rubbing someone's back and obsessing over whether to brush the side of her breast of not while your hands dampen from anxiety is tentative.
Massaging someone's back, firmly reaching under her to flip her over, kissing her deeply, and proceeding with further external and internal massage is not tentative.
Hemming and hawing while talking is tentative. "Gee, I don't want to push you, but I really want to be able to make love to you sometime, I'm not setting a deadline, but maybe in the next 5 years you won't flinch if I make a move."
Directness is saying: "Passion in our M is important to me. I will no longer be satisfied with a sexless M or a lack of real intimacy in our lovemaking. What I want for us is a passionate emotional and physical connection during lovemaking. I want to feel desired and I want to feel comfortable approaching you. I want to be able to ___________________."
Directness is pretty much always sexy.
As for the A, are you really going to resume unprotected sexual relations with her without confirmation that she has had a full-range of STD tests? My old C told me once with respect to be cheated on and then lied to, "Well Oldtimer, people lie about these things." And, it is true, even after reconcilliation, even after recomittment, people keep their secrets. It sounds like you are on your way toward accepting that you may never know what happened and forgiving whatever did happen.
It sounds like you think a PA may have been posssible. Will you feel safe without knowing whether she has been tested? This would be a pretty strong boundary for me after I knew about an A. I might be able to accept not knowing the details. (Though, this is doubtful. I pretty much buy into Michelle's view that recovery here requires the person who had the A to be happy to be an open book for quite awhile.) But, I would not have unprotected sex with someone who had a sexual history I was unsure of until they were tested for my own sake and my kid's sake.
If she wants you to take her back after she has been involved with someone and is unwilling to take an AIDS test to relieve your fears, something is very wrong. They sell them OTC, BTW.
