So, like I said, it's the calm time now. That's the most dangerous for me because I am now calmly thinking about talking to my W this weekend. Who knows, maybe I will, maybe i won't. I am not emotional about it. It's not from anger or an intense need to know anything, it's just because there seems to be good that could come from a little R talk. S'pose I could be wrong.
The way I see it is that there is SO much unknown both from my perspective and my W's that I don't know if we could "find" each other even if we both wanted to. What I mean is that I wonder if it would help for my W to know I will forgive her for what she's done? I wonder if it would help if she knows just how I feel about our OLD marriage that I think SHE thinks I want back? Would it help for her to know that I DON'T want the first physical contact we have other than back rubs, to be sex? Would it help me to know if the OM is still around, and would she tell the truth? Would it help me to know just how committed she is to working things out? Would I feel better knowing that she's just still uncomfortable with the idea of "us" and all it's ramifications (i.e. affection, etc), and would she even say that was why we are still in limbo? More importantly, could I handle it if she said OM was still in the picture? Could I deal with her saying she's still not sure she wants "us"? Could I be ok with WHATEVER came of this talk?
Well, I guess I don't have the answers to those questions yet, but I am asking them of myself and that to me means I am looking for a way to do this. IF I decide to do it, and I am leaning as always towards NOT doing it, then I will do it with a clear head and heart, knowing that pain is as likely as comfort at this point...a good reason to limbo a little more I guess.
I just hope this idea passes. I know it's not from emotion that I get this urge to talk, but it IS from the void and I know that's probably worse. In the end, I am probably just quietly venting. This too will pass...In the end I am being impatient...this I know. Time is on our side...didn't someone famous say that?
