Last night was again uneventful so I will just talk about feelings and the general mood of everything.
Apparently, the rose had NO effect on my W what-so-ever. If it did, she's not hinting at it at all. Again, no worries, but it is interesting.
Last night was another cold one. Suppose the rose could have contributed to that. W was distant, but not much more that usual. Also, there was nothing on TV (sad that it matters) and she was watching some shows I don't watch that she had taped. So, I was upstairs working out and watching basketball and she was downstairs watching her shows and making the kid's lunches. She did come to bed really early but for no other reason than to get more sleep (did I think there was any other reason to come to bed early...lol).
Another day in limboland. Like Frank said over in piecing, it's the not knowing that kills us right now. It's the wondering why they are acting the way they are. Why they can't see that we're the right one to be with, etc.
Mama is going through the same thing. Limbo is SO hard because first they took away their love, now they've taken away our reason for intense emotion, our call to action as it were. Sure, as I told mama, we need to be our own call to action. We need to be our own reason to love and live. However, after all these years of rightly or wrongly relying on our spouses for support and energy when they DID love us, and now, for however long (and this is wrong), looking towards them as a reason to rage, fight, change, improve, suffer and fear, we are now set adrift in limboland without an anchor or rudder other than ourselves. It's a scary place to be without a map or emotional GPS unit. It's strange/horrible to realize that there was actually some comfort in the intensity of the pain I was in. The void seems like it's worse.
What it really does for me is MAKE me realize that I was NOT as self focused as I thought/claimed to be because without my W doing things to motivate me (going out with OM, etc) I am lacking something. That will change of course now that I see it for what it is, but it is a little tough to realize, after all this, that my W still has some kind of emotional hold on me, good, bad or otherwise. I guess I can chalk it up to almost a decade of codependency at worst or love at best.
Now is the quiet time. Now is the time to calmly explore who I am and WHY I am doing what I am doing and really figure out what I want. I know I still want my marriage, and I still love my W but I don't love the patience I need to have . I have to chart a course that is TRULY self focused and still allow for a way my W can find me should she have the desire to.
Growth cannot stop now. That much I know for sure, the rest I will have to just live through and hope for the best, which is NOT to say I am going to be passive in my life, just passive when it comes to one aspect of it. In all other matters, it's full speed ahead!
I am thinking about at least buying an emotional outboard motor for my raft so maybe I can get out of libmoland faster...
