RB, try the email I have posted now. I had it wrong. It's a gmail account, not hotmail. Sorry...
Journaling
Litterally nothing to report this morning. Since this is new thread, I will give you all my links so if you are new to my sitch, you can have days of reading should you be glutton for punishment...
Well, that's the WHOLE story. If you get through all that, I should give you a prize or something.
You may ask yourself how I could have posted so much in just 3 months...well, I am lucky enough to have a day job working on a computer and we have been REALLY slow most of this time. So, I am on most of the day during the week, not so much at night or the weekends.
Feel free to email me off-board if you want.
To end this first post of my new thread, I will summarize my sitch for those of you without the time nor inclination to read all my junk.
M: 35 W: 36 S5 & S3 Married 8, together 10. Bombs fell December 30th, 2005. Happy New Year!
Basic ILYBNILWY story, then a couple hours after that bomb fell came the "oh, and one more thing, I have been seeing someone else for a couple months." She claims it was/is not physical, and so far as I know, the A still continues. She claims NOT to want to separate, nor get a divorce, but doesn't really know what she wants either. She's said all the usual about us not getting married for the right reasons, her never really loving me, she wants the movie/TV kind of love, etc. All by the book. If your WAS said it, my W did too. Luckily for me, I did NOT do much begging or pleading after the first horrible night. I found DB on day 3 of my sitch and have been DBing since then with varying degrees of success. I do NOT know much about OM. I know his name, what he looks like, what he drives, and that's about it. I DO NOT believe in snooping unless a lawyer tells me to do it because I will need evidence in court.
In terms of the A, they see/saw each other mainly in the daytime when I was at work and she was home (both kids in school now). She was going out once a week or so, I assume with him though she claimed it was with friends, etc. She has always maintained she was meeting more people than just him.
Things have slowly improved. We went on a trip to Ireland a couple weeks ago and it really helped us reconnect. Now, the OM seems to have faded. She has not been out at night since the trip. She recently bought a new wedding band to wear everyday (well, I paid for it, she picked it out). Since she does not communicate her feelings very well, I still have no idea where we stand other than it's a lot better than 3 months ago. We still haven't ML in almost 6 months. Physical affection is non-existent.
Our friendship is growing stronger, and I would say that we are able to talk more freely, and have more fun than ever. In that respect, things are great, and I attribute that to DB, and the areas of ME that I have been able to change to not be so controlling, uptight and angry. I am now able to relax, have fun with my kids and W, and am generally happier than I have been in my life, EVEN with all this going it. It CAN be done, it really can (oh, and the LBS diet allowed me to get in FANTASTIC shape for the first time in over a decade...).
For those of you going through something similar (aren't we all), there is MUCH more to my story, and GREAT advice contained in my threads from VERY wise people that may very well help you. If it sounds like my story is close enough to yours, I encourage you to skim the threads and pick out what may help you.
So, I don't know where things stand right now. As of about a week ago, we are officially in limbo and I hate it. I continue to work on myself, and I am discovering new things every day, some good, some bad. Intimacy issues are the topic of the day.
I'll end the way I should every first post of a thread by thanking all those who have been with me on this journey here and without whom I would not have been able to make this progress. NYS, Tim, OT, Rob, Lisa, Amy, Heather, Bowtech, FD, RB, Frank, SS, lmdi, wtsi, NM, don, c1t, and faith. To anyone else I may have forgotten, I apologize, I sincerely do because you DESERVE my gratitude. You all have either directly helped me with great advice or by sharing your stories have helped me understand my own better. Everyone here is an inspiration to me.
I think of you all every day and for myself, I just hope I can have the strength to see this through. If I have learned one thing recently, it's that a lack of conflict DOES NOT mean easy sailing.
LOL... I was sitting here reading and catching up on your thread babe... funny how that goes!!
You sound well... all seems as well as can be. Hugs to you!! I'm checking up on you, don't think for a minute I'm not. BTW... have you read Mars/Venus in a Relationship... good reading.
Thanks SnS. I really appreciate that. I know people read about me, but I miss the time when there were a lot of you all around who were more active. There are still a couple left, but most of you moved on. I guess it's what happens when you become an elder around here, lol.
As for the book, I have to fess up and say I have not even finished the original mars/venus yet. Stalled out. I started reading (or listening to because I like audiobooks on my iPod) the Power of the Now. It's a VERY philosophical book but interesting. When I finish that, I will probably go back to Mars/Venus (or even while I am listening to this one). What about that one is better, different, or more applicable to our/my sitch?
Well I read Mars/Venus... which of course was good. Then I read Mars/Venus on a Date... which for those of us just starting out and having to relearn relationship things, I found excellent. Explained a great deal to me about men and this whole uncertainty phase that they go through and what role a woman plays in that... but that's neither here nor there for you... for me it explains a great deal.
Men, Women and Relationships by JG actually goes into the inner workings of the individuals. Deals with how the genders think, relate, and communicate.
There was an interesting comparison to a man who carries a wallet (basic necessities) and a woman who carries a purse (with everything in it). At first I was like WTF... and then started to think about it... it was true... women are prepared for everything that comes their way, we have to be. Just interesting reading, even how men can shut down and how women relate to stress. And no, I won't loan you my copy... still reading!!
No thanks necessary GH. I feel that I am in limbo land myself. My H does not want to seperate or divorce. Although we used to have a great friendship it faded when the A started. It has slowly been improving. Is OW still in the picture? Probably. I haven't read Mars/Venus - will pick that one up next. I did just finish Surviving Infidelity, although it doesn't help my situation much since my H has not yet committed to reconciling our M. It taught me to stop negative thinking and to decide what I want for my life. Although some may think I am crazy I have chosen to stay in this R and look the other way for now. I have weighed all the alternatives and this one works best for me and my children at this time.
GH, continue to DB and work on yourself and most importantly keep coming here for feedback and support.
Quote: Although some may think I am crazy I have chosen to stay in this R and look the other way for now. I have weighed all the alternatives and this one works best for me and my children at this time.
If you're crazy, then I am certifiable! Look, so long as we continue to MAKE decisions and not be something we hate by default, then I think we're doing just fine. Most people never get to the point where they understand they HAVE choices, let alone actually taking the drastic step to start exercising that right!
Most people never get to the point where they understand they HAVE choices, let alone actually taking the drastic step to start exercising that right!
Very true... we tend to forget that we are in control of our own lives, our destinies... Sure it is easy for me to say this now... that I have completley moved forward with my life... but I can remember a day just a few months back when I couldn't see the road ahead... I realized that I had two choices sit and consume myself with the pain or move forward and see where life takes me. Hmmm... which one was the healthier decision in my sitch? Now I see the road ahead... and let me tell you the future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
We and only we can decide if we want to stay in limbo land or in self-denial... if you don't see any signs of the WAS moving back towards you... then it's a personal call. That's why I swear the whole GAL thing is a miracle in itself... it really does heal the head and the heart. It's also our choice whether we want to continue along a path that I see from time to time not necessarily so much on this board as others... a path filled of anger, frustration, bitterness towards the WAS. Some just can't let it go. They want to see the WAS suffer, feel the pain that they did. I feel for them, I can understand their pain... but at some point, hey it just didn't work out, but if you pull yourself together you might find someone that will love you for who you are... and maybe one day down the road it will, or it won't, but living in limbo land is not healthy and certainly not when we fill ourselves full of anger and bitterness and in the end, you find yourself perhaps just as lost and confused as the WAS... your friends, family and loved ones can only handle so much. You know... plus it's just not healthy either.
Okay... off my soap box... GH wanna take over... you seem to be doing so great these days. Really am proud of you... In such a short time you've really just pulled out all the stops.
Quote: They want to see the WAS suffer, feel the pain that they did. I feel for them, I can understand their pain... but at some point, hey it just didn't work out, but if you pull yourself together you might find someone that will love you for who you are
I never felt this way, and I think those that do are in denial of their role in things. If you are so perfect, and of course, I don't mean YOU Lisa, then what THEY (WAS) did was born out of pure evil and you don't want to be with them anyway, do you? It's the fact that we DO contribute to the demise of our situations, and our realization of that, that gives us the most hope for the future, either with our WAS, or without. If we can't move past what was "done" to us, and start focusing on what WE can do to ourselves, then I think we get nowhere, and will fail in this effort of saving our marriages. Look, I feel the rage, pain, unfairness in all this. I really do. Sometimes it is overwhelming but it's those times when you really have to step back and realize that you are NOT what you're feeling right now, and the sitch is usually NOT what you think it is right now. I just hope through this process to gain wisdom and insight about me AND how I communicate with the world. Beyond that, I have no control...
I soooo agree with you here... Those who remain stuck in their bitterness and anger are those who still play the role of the victim and seldom, if ever, truly confront and acknowledge their own contributions to the problems in the M. They insist on seeing everything their spouse does or even ex-spouse does (or did) that hurts as an action taken AGAINST THEM. Even long after D, these people continue to personalize the X's actions. It is very sad to watch, and, to be blunt, the egocentricity is not very attractive and reveals a lot about their unacknowled contributions to the problems in the M.
The secret to real growth and happiness is feeling empowered and owning your actions, the good and the bad.... recognizing that any of those painful patterns took TWO players, and you were one... and learning to extend compassion and understanding to your spouse, or X-spouse.
