I have had several people asking about my sitch, so I decided to post some of my dilemmas as I always have gotten good advice here. This board has become a great support system!
My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years now and for the past 5, my wife has been a ND spouse, whereas I am a very HD husband! In every other aspect of our relationship, things are great! We are best friends on so many fronts. My favorite thing to do each day is to go home and talk to my wife. She is a wonderful girl and a great mom to our 3 kids. I would never want to give that up.
But the one issue that really gets us going is that of intimacy. The arguments we have only seem to go in circles with neither of us getting anywhere. That is because for everything that I bring up as to why we need to have intimacy in marriage, she can take it and turn it against me to make her own point. We both cancel each other's points out. Let me illustrate..
Here is our main argument that has been rehashed over the years constantly
MY POINT: (I'm talking to her, here..) Honey, I love you very much but I really feel we need to have regular intimacy in our relationship. This is something that is very important to me. When we don't have this, I take it personally. I show my love in physical ways and I gauge the quality of our relationship on how much I can show love physically. I need touch. I crave touch. I want to touch you, experience you and bond with you. This is very important to me. I want to be a good husband. I want to be a guy you can trust and admire and desire. If you need anything, please let me know. You are first on my priority list, so if you ever need something, please let me know. Even if I am not in the mood, I will do it as it's not about me, it's about taking care of what is important to you. I never want you to leave home feeling unfulfilled or needing in any aspect of your life. When I know that you are happy, I can be happy.
HER POINT: (Coming back at me..) Honey, I love you too, but you need to understand that I have absolutely no desire to have any kind of intimacy. I don't like it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Even though you don't think so and see me from the inside, I feel like I am grossly overweight and mentally knowing that you can see me undressed is a giant mental turnoff. Having intimacy also reminds me of past experiences that I just don't want to go through again. It's not fun. It's not closeness. Its not bonding. It's pure torture from my end. You said you loved me and would do anything for me, even if you are not in the mood. What I need from you is to step away from intimacy completely. Do not ask for it. Do not talk about it. Do not bring it up and do not initiate it! That is what I need right now, and if you really love me as you say you do, you will respect that. Life is not about having constant sex and being close. Life is about learning to control your urges, gaining control of self so that all that physical stuff is no longer important. Please respect me and stop all these requests for closeness. If you love me, you'll do whatever it takes to make this happen. And if you do not, then you are breaking our vows, promises made to each other and to God.
So, I say I need intimacy to feel close, my wife says that is just my overactive hormones talking and I need to gain self control. I have expressed a need to her and in the end only feel guilty for bringing it up and am made to feel like I am a deviant for doing it. Anything that I can bring up.. just gets flopped back at me making me feel like a bad person for asking for what I see are the basics. There is no winning in this kind of situation. There is no way to communicate and make a point or get her attention.
Sooo.. In my opinion, in marriage if each person has the philosophy of putting their spouses needs above their own and taking care of the other first, then these issues should work themselves out. I would respect that my wife needs space and provide that to her. But she would recognize that my happiness is dependent on being physical with her, so she would make sure to take care of me in that department. We BOTH put each others needs first.
But in my scenario, we are in a lose lose situation. If my needs are being met, then, according to my wife, she would be miserable as intimacy does that to her. But in order to meet her needs, I must be miserable. So who meets whose needs? Who takes the sword. Well, it's always been me.
But what this has done is started up the typical business world supply and demand. Supply is waaaay low, thus creating HUGE demand! The longer we go, the more I want the intimate parts of our life to return. They used to be there.. why can't they come back? I keep trying to explain that the best way to curb that demand... is to bring back the supply.. But that doesn't go over well. Again.. I just get accused of being that sex loving, fantasy land living pervert again..
Here is another issue... In my mind married couples get used to seeing their spouse undressed. Seeing a member of the opposite sex undressed in an early relationship is a thrill, but after seeing them like that over the years, it becomes less exciting. My wife, can NEVER be around me in any kind of undressed stage. I cannot go near her if she is showering, dressing etc. Not in the same room, nothing.. she has gotten to the point lately, where she will not even get dressed if I am in the HOUSE. On weekends she'll make up errands and then shower while I am gone.. I don't know what I did to make her start that kind of a move.. I always try to respect her space... But what that does is again, create desire. I never get to see her, so when I DO see something, it gets me going... my body has a very physical reaction, if you catch my drift... I am still like that 15 year old trying to catch a peek at the nekkid ladies. I don't like that I am like that, but I haven't had that period of getting used to it, so that it is not a big deal anymore.. I don't look at porn.. I don't even watch R rated movies. I consider myself "allowed" to look at only one woman according to my marriage vows, and that is my wife.. and she wont allow it.
Yet another issue.. I am not allowed to touch my wife, nor be touched by her. Here is her reasoning on that one.. Dr. Laura (don't flame me for bringing up the name) said in a book something to the effect of "give a guy a steak and expect him to nibble?!" in regards to woman complaining that men get touched an want it to go farther. In my wife's mind (and as my weakness has proved over the years) if my wife touches me, in any way.. or even curls up to me on the couch.. she knows I will want more. She knows I will want it taken to the next level, and so since she is not comfortable with that, she will not touch anywhere, ever. So no hugs, no kisses.. nothing... Even sitting close on the couch she says "I know you are just sitting there thinking about sex and I am not comfortable with you thinking about that" so she removes any opportunity for that. And for similar reasons, I can't touch her.. touching her will be a turn on and she doesn't want to do anything that could purposefully put me in the mood, so she doesn't allow it. If I want to really make her mad, I can just curl up to her when getting into bed at night... But if I want to live in a peaceful house, and keep her in bed with me.. I have learned NOT to do that!
One more issue, then I'll shut up... that is my wife's health.. She is ALWAYS sick. Always has a sore back (blamed on her weight) always has a migraine (she eats Excedrin Migraine like they are M&M's) always has the stomach flu, etc. I just don't get it... she sleeps 11 hours every night, and if she doesn't get that sleep... look out!!! (Also a source of resentment.. she gets 11 hours of sleep, I get 7 if I am lucky, yet if I ask her to stay up 30 extra minutes one night so we can spend some time together and that is a terrible thing to ask!!! She's TIRED!!!! Won't even give me 30 minutes..., yeah I feel important!). She's been to lots of doctors.. they done lots of tests, no one has found anything wrong with her. They all say she is perfectly healthy. I think it is all mental, but that is a subject I know to stay clear of!!
And so we continue to exist together. Most days, are actually very pleasant. She and I get along about everything else. I just know not to bring up anything relating to sex or intimacy. I know not to even mention it. I just keep my mouth shut and focus on living a life of celibacy... I have tried to rock the boat a few times.. Tried to get us into counseling (she refuses to go.. says she'd end the marriage before seeing a counselor), tried to talk out the issues, heck, had a semi-affair simply to get her attention that I wasn't happy. didn't do any good.
But again, this is ONLY on the sex related issues. So could I, in my right mind, end a marriage, leave my friend and lose access to my kids, all because of different libido and views on sex? I don't think I could do that.. so my only choice is to stick it out... repress my sexual side.. and try not to let this destroy me inside.
